Neologisms of a F-R-E-A-K...

Gimme a Stress-Buster!!!

2007-06-22T05:42:00.000+08:00

Your Stress Level is: 73%

You are prone to stress, and you're probably even pretty stressed right now.
Life's problems seem to pile up on you, and this often makes you feel depressed and burned out.
Learn to take time to relax and enjoy life, even if things are stressful. It's the only wa you'll get through the bad times.

How Stressed Are You?

UP LATE ISSUE

2007-03-12T18:55:00.000+08:00

Surprise! yes, I am still updating my old blog. Haha. I know it sounds weird, but this entry are only for people (ahem, my friends) who are too lazy to edit their blogroll. You know who you are. Haha. Anyway, hopefully I'd be off to Naga by Friday or Saturday this week. I've been really looking forward to having this mini trip with best friends. I badly need this vacation. Even if it would be just for 3 days max.:)

Anyway, last weekend, I actually intended to have my hair cut but my Mom protested and said that she thought I wanted it long. So why would I want to chop it off? Hmm, because it's summer already. Hair strands already sticking to the sweat on my neck every hot afternoon before getting to the office. Gusto ko mapresko! But anyway, I decided to postpone my trip to the parlor not because she has convinced me to keep it that way but because I remembered that I have to watch 300 (Irwin has never heard of this, can you believe that? Never knew that it was a freaking amazing movie!) with Seish. So anyway, I told my friend, who was supposed to accompany me, to cross out Fix Salon on her itinerary list because I couldn't go.

When I got to Gateway, I withdrawn some cash from my atm and paid my Globe bill (which only amounted to 157 php!). I thought it would go over a thousand. Haha. And just because I didn't want to be bothered with all that due-date reminders when I'm on a trip, I gave an advanced payment for March. So, yeah. Now I'm broke and waiting for the next payday to arrive so I'd be a few bucks richer by then. :P

Oh, and I forgot to buy a this magic moisturizing cream as Wytb suggested. Hmm, I don't think there's Forever Flawless anywhere near Gateway, is there? Wytb said that it works perfectly on HER skin. What about mine? Might as well use it to believe. There. But that time, since I was already starving and was already thinking about what to eat - everything slipped out of my head. Gotcha Max's! I even ordered a burger to go.

Last stop, Eastwood! To be more specific, we watched a gig of my friend's friend at Gweilo's. Ha! This former loser at school in college is actually a rockstar and croons well. Whoa! Talk about late bloomers! Ahem, but he still looked like a loser. Aha! Hasn't he had enough sympathy already? Or hasn't he thought of changing his fashion style yet? Whatever. I could just close my eyes and hear him rock the stage. Bahala siya dyan! Haha.

Enough of those chika, my burger has gone cold.

The need to relax

2007-02-21T15:04:00.000+08:00

I was never the type who regularly goes to facial or spa centers to pamper myself. Maybe it’s the lack of time or the lack of reasons to indulge in a rejuvenating moment. But most probably if I have more free time and someone to tag along with, I would try it. Who doesn’t want to DEstress, anyway? Not distress, ok? Haha. I had my first go at Diamond Peel when my sister urged me to take a load off and come with her. I didn’t mind all the hassle I’d gone through that day. I didn’t mind at all, really. Well, it’s for two reasons: first is because it was her treat and the second is because it turned out to be an actual enjoyment. I don’t mean to brag, but I only saw a little improvement on my skin, well…it looked finer, all right. But somehow, I expected something more. I don’t know, reduce the appearance of rashes on my face, perhaps? First-timers really have a lot of expectations for the sole reason that we are all clueless about such treatments. Anyway, my friend told me to try facial services at Forever Flawless the next time I feel like relaxing or when I’m having a bad day. She said that they offer affordable and at the same time great services. What do you think? Maybe I should. I hope there are no rude staff, though. We’ll see, I’ll tell you about it soon and who knows? I might make vanity a habit. Haha.

NEW HOME

2007-02-16T20:29:00.000+08:00

for more personal entries, visit my newest blog:

www.scribesmeister.info

would love to get comments :D

See you there!

Five Things You Don't Know About Me

2007-02-05T13:54:00.000+08:00

I was the worst bully bratinella during my grade school years and there's only one reason for becoming such a badass. It was a sort of a vengeful act for being bullied the moment I stepped into elementary school. That time, since you know how kids usually act during the first day - shy and weak, I've allowed him to get into my nerves and boss me around. I have allowed him to push me to the limits but now I have him to thank for unleashing the devil in me. After I rammed him over the gutter full of goo, and yelled "you're so disgusting!" in front all those kids laughing at him - it shoved him out to the end of his career in Bullying 101. I took over his place. I've been into an average of, if my memory serves me right, 8 major fist fights and had been suspended for verbal abuse. And yes, I had my share of bruises, scratches and most of all, lacerated pair of lips.
When I was about 4 or 5 years old, while my brothers were busy murdering house rats, lizards and salamanders in the backyard, I was having a kick out of reviving the almost severed tiny animals. You could just imagine how weird I was then! I was brave enough to hold bleeding rats, frozen and mangled lizards with my bare hands. Actually, I once brought a poisoned rat back to life and maybe because of his gratefulness, him and his family never bothered me or tear apart any of my belongings - unlike with others. Haha. As I think about it now, I really don't know whether I can still handle spurting blood or stitching mangled parts of some living thing. That's why when my relatives used to ask me what I want to be when I grow up I always say, "A surgeon (not just any sort of doctor!)".Eventually, I found out I am not deadset to pursue it and left that dream for something else that brought me to the place far from what I originally imagined then. Haha.
I used to shed tears at least once a week. Seems to me, crying has always been an effective therapy that I willingly indulge myself in. There's always a reason why I do so, I don't cry just to relieve stress but to take away whatever chronic emotional pain I'm feeling that even I don't even know where it comes from. Sometimes, it just crashes down on you and suddenly, you've become Atlas.
Even my life, like my personality, is on the extremes. I felt like I have experienced living on top and eating rocks with dust. There had been times when I could afford to spend more than what I earn only in a day (mostly over unnecessary things) and I wouldn't feel so bad about having to spend that much. And there was one instance when I've walked a long stretch of almost 2 kms not because I just felt like walking under the blistering heat of the sun at noon, but because I had not a cent left in my pocket and I had no choice but to get sunburn and swollen feet. See? Anyway, last but certainly not the least...
Some of you might know this already, but for those who don't, I get scary hemmoraghic rashes all over my face when I am about to explode into radioactive rage. You better not say or do anything to trigger me or I am going to stab a Parker pen right into your leg (if you're a worthless moron) or mine (if i care that much about you). Scary,huh? Well, it's not like I easily fuss over small stuff (maybe at some point of extreme irritability) - because in fact, I am probably one of those people who have the longest patience in history - the most peace-loving even. It takes a lot to make me totally psycho and yes, i do get psycho so you better be careful. You can throw all sort of slapstick or inside jokes at me on days on end and I'd just shrug it off. But never, ever violate my trust. Those who try to betray me get IT. Never say anything bad about the people I love the most or I will forget you all at once and send a Let's Celebrate card on your funeral. Haha. Of course I won't kill you.You're not even worth my time, get real. But anyway, you get the picture.

There you go, Joni.

Now I'm tagging Kangel, Tristan, Alex, Bestie and Beng.

Make some noise

2007-02-01T05:55:00.001+08:00

Hi Tim! How are you today?
I’m doing fine. How about yourself?

Nyahaha. One more.

The spiders cannot see your website if you don’t have a sitemap.
(What spiders?!)

Poor blind spideys.

For over an hour of listening to vox files of our CS staff dealing with irate, uncooperative and demanding clients – I couldn’t stop rolling with laughter. I didn’t know that there are seconds that I want to last forever in this region of the planet. Is it just me or what? They say I go all crazy each morning. Well, not really. I’m only crazy around crazy people or people that make me go gaga. Haha. Oh well, I gotta go now. Time to snooze.

The Bloggorhea Symptoms

2007-01-31T03:52:00.000+08:00

As I was sorting out my stuff a while ago, as what my brother asked me to do, I found this dusty box full of floppy disks and CDs. So I rummaged through it and separated the ones I could trash out from those I could keep. From the CDs in my hand, I decided to feed into the player the one with a UK flag embossed on it. At first I couldn’t recognize it, even the handwriting on the front cover, until the video started with the song “Addicted” by Simple Plan. Haha. Aside from the band’s obvious shoddy (so British.haha) taste in music, I’ve hated them for years because of this particular song that practically makes me sick every time it streams through my ears. Now I remembered clearly, this video was made by a former…whatever. Haha. Actually, I shouldn’t have let him transferred the files from my video cam, but he volunteered – so there. He’s the type of guy who doesn’t say anything when he does favors for you with chocolates and stuff. I never saw him as a potential boyfriend. I never liked what seemed more than friendship with him. Showbiz! But there, I said it in a better way, didn’t I? I tried blocking the thought off of my head, so I have always welcomed it as a gesture of genuine kindness. You see, my insensitivity is history. It was the best way to avoid confrontations. Act as if you know nothing. Act as if you don’t care. Act as if you can’t feel. Thus, insensitive I was.

This was my first time to watch the full length. And I feel more embarrassed than disgusted. There was this bit where I was only wearing my usual “bed dress” and walking around the house. When I gave him the v1 tape, it didn’t occur to me that he might watch the whole thing by himself. I was only thinking then that he would just transfer the files and give it to me. How could I be so naïve? Haha. So much for my insensitivity huh? And I know, I know he saw every bit of it. How can I tell? Because when he handed it to me, he described every member of my family to me and he took in a mental picture of every detail of our house to the things I was doing the entire duration of the fiasco. Ha! And so I thought guys like that are too scared to try to upset me if I found out that he took the liberty to get a piece of the show. Turns out that guys like that are too self-assured that I won’t care about what they think or do in whatever circumstance. I taught myself not to feel anything at all…after all. And now, I started feeling again. Betrayal and repugnance. Shame and a lot of self-loathing. I couldn’t believe I’d been a victim of my own derision.

GONE CUCKOO 1.29.07

Chips, music downloads, picture taking on another lazy Sunday afternoon. This has been getting much like a habit. I’ve previously planned to carry on with my reading, but since my eyes are now starting to hurt I’d probably postpone it until tomorrow. Besides, I’d be on leave. It’s going to be my “recreation/recuperation” day. Hay, if only I have someone to tag along with to the gym, I would have been kicking ass right now. Haha. My aim is not to lose weight but to gain and work out for firming. I just don’t think getting a 3-month program at roughly 2,500 php monthly would be worth it. I can only free up my schedule on weekends and that’s it – no more time left for private talks, paparazzi-free activities as well as mall tours and possibly, meet and greet sessions with fans, ehem, I mean friends. Hehe.

Anyway, I helped my brother-in-law in moving the things in their room such as dressers, cabinet ad stuff. Prior to that, he asked me this question: “Malakas ka ba?” I replied, “malakas saan? Depende.” Then he pointed over the dresser, and I said okay, magbubuhat lang pala eh. Since I was wearing a spaghetti-strapped blouse, he noticed the bump of swelling muscles on my arms. “Wow, ang laki na ng muscles ah. Nag we-weights ka?”

As if he doesn’t know that I’ve been assisting my sister in taking care of his kids when he’s not around. You know what, however this may sound weird, I take pleasure in being the second mom to their cuddly kids. I really wanna be a mom one day. That’s only if God has already found me a man who would stick with me to the end when I reached the age of 30 or else, I’ll lock myself up in a convent and be a missionary nun. Hehe.

FAST FORWARD>>

It’s already 3:25 in the dead hours of the morning. I’m still in front of the laptop compiling songs and copying pictures to CDs. Argh, I want to catch some zzzs now but I just can’t fall asleep. I just finished watching Déjà vu, and it’s a great film – not a drag at all. I simply agree that you can’t change the past. When you stop one thing from happening, you will cause it to happen. And Denzel’s got another point for this, “Changing one thing DOESN’T change anything.” Hurrah!

What is this I am doing? I just said that Monday would be my rest day and here I am spending another minute acting like a freaking zombie, pigging out and doing nonsensical meddling with my chemically hazardous infested brain just like what I do in the office – except that there is no chatting on YM or whatsoever. I am completely alone here and feeling a little lonely I guess. And my head is busy pestering me, telling me to keep working. Ahh! Well, I can cancel my plans for this day and head to the office later instead – but I am not in the mood to work. But I need to talk to someone. I need to drain this stress out of me. I need a break. And to my mind that is swiftly drying up, I need a longer break, not just a weekend, not just a day but…a lavish vacation that would most definitely cause me to lose my job if I insist on it. Haha. Now what would be more worth it? Well, I still need money to afford that trip and right now I’m almost broke. No money, no honey. That’s the only way I could taste the sweetness of life. Maybe not totally, I’m still thinking of another way… watch me, never take those eyes off me. I won’t be sitting next to you by the next day. Or I might still be with you for another year or two, but the real me won’t stay stuck this way forever and remember that I was the one who told you that.

“No matter how hard you stop things from happening, it will keep happening. And you want to know why? It’s destiny. It’s fate.”

Sun rising...

2007-01-25T05:14:00.000+08:00

"Don't be dismayed by goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends."
Richard Bach

So, are we friends now? Because I really wish we were.

I still recall the quote he sent me 2 days back, it's about how to tell if you have already moved on with the one you lost. I don't quite agree with it. One of the signs says that, "you have moved on if you don't care about his life anymore." What the hell was that? How could you not care? I'm not one of those pathetic pathological liars.

Tell you what, my bestfriend, Ghi, has finally bagged a wonderful guy! I've been rooting for this guy for so long (to win her) and you have no idea how happy I was when I learned that they're "almost" together. Uhuh. Eventhough I've already broadcast to our friends that they're officially a couple, they're still in the pending list of lovers about to get an approval from the love department. Who the hell is the commitment phobe here? Somehow I understand the guy's reasons. I know why most guys are not ready to let out the L word yet. Because that word, is the...BOMB! haha. Nah, seriously, it's not enough to say it. It would never be enough. There's always a follow up. There's always something expected of you to do next - one of which is to start a relationship. Admitting that you feel something, has a lot of risks. This is one of it. What if certainty is obscured? What if you're not sure if you're ready to handle a relationship at this point? you know, things like this happen. And who knows? there are scary realizations that might come up...like, oh no. I don't even want to begin to think about it! As of now, I want my bestfriend to be at her happiest and enjoy that feeling.

Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it stays forever. Whether you get to keep it or not, it is important that you smile when you remember. When it's real happiness, you wouldn't feel a pang of deep regret. Not even once.

Rhythmic taps on the surface of the earth

2007-01-24T03:22:00.000+08:00

"Women suffer from four times as many problems than men. This is believed to be a result of their choice of footwear, which usually consists shoes with narrow toes and high heels."

Narrow minds and high expectations, there you go. Those two major facts, hurt. How ever it could be changed, most of the time, it's irrevocable. Like a cold-blooded disease that kills.

And yet you deal with it, walk with it and endure the pain until you grow tired of it, or worse, until it grows on you. It's funny how the world seems to present you with a lot of options when you really don't have much of a choice when it comes to things similar as this. I'm too tired of walking poised with the air of confidence, pretending it doesn't hurt. And all those people look at you beaming, thinking that you're comfortably hanging around on your heels. And you think that as long as you put on that happy face along with extraordinary cheerfulness, you could fool all of them. If they knew you're tears are not of joy, but of prolonging agony (that I would very much like to be cut off). If they knew that you're dragging your blistered feet each day to get to where you should be (and you don't even like where you're in), they would probably let you stop running for a while and spend time with no darn excrutiating minute.

All I need is a pair of comfy slippers. I don't want any fancy pointed shoes anymore. I want to wear something in which my feet would be allowed to breathe. But since slippers are strictly a no-no in the society of freaks, I might as well start looking for an almost perfect fit that I can tolerate. After all, high-heeled shoes are not made for walking, it's only for aesthetic purposes. Okay, so I'm keeping my spirits up by convincing myself that I look better this way and that there's no sense in complaining. But how can you stop bitching when you're momentarily sandwiched between the temporal affair of truths and lies? I guess that ain't your problem,because it is ultimately mine.

"When our feet hurt, we hurt all over".- Socrates

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Here's something to spike up the mood. My nephew, Terence (yeah, the 3-month old baby), couldn't stop wailing as I was trying to put him to sleep this morning. So I thought of a way to entertain him. I turned on the radio and cranked up the volume and since I've been long deprived of regular excercise, I commenced on dancing like crazy. Picture any of Cameron Diaz's dance moves in Charlie's Angels, Something About Mary, Invicible Circus (almost all her silly movies eh?). Got it? So while I was pacing back and forth and shaking my hips to either side, twisting and turning - something caught my eyes... A middle-aged man intently gawking up at me from the terrace while I was at it! Anyway, he's at the 10th floor and I'm at the 12th. He had this stupid grin that I could still see flashing in my head. Yuck! And I was pretty sure that he could see me through the untinted window. I hurriedly collected myself and as if a bullet would suddenly shoot directly at me, i hid under the bed. And i just wanted to scream. I'm positive that he saw everything! as in everything! Me in my pambahay shorts and tiny sleeveless blouse strutting my stuff. Wah. Gawd, I don't wanna see that guy in the hallway!

Never dance in the daylight with shutters open. Ever again.

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It takes great courage to grow up.

When I was with my high-school-through-college friends last Sunday, I found myself in a different mood. All of a sudden, I could no longer find the fun in childish chatters, I was no longer laughing at the same slapstick jokes, I was...not happy with the crowd. And although I must admit that I missed them so and that it was comforting to see familiar faces again, the word "belongingness" rang out a whole new meaning to me. For the first time in all those times I've shared with them, I felt completely out of place. Perhaps I had just been caught in a moment, but as I think about it now...I feel that for some reason, we have grown apart. In terms of individual tastes or choice of topic,probably, specifically. Man, maybe I need some "sorting out". Maybe I can give my friends the right to accuse me that I've changed. For I have. And I won't even lodge into an attempt to deny.

I shake my head in disbelief, this is so peculiar. Is this really ME? Haha. You see, I've moved from reading between the lines to drawing lines. Setting limitations and opening up myself to alternatives.

Just a quick jotting down. I am now liking the feeling of having obligations and I take pleasure in learning how to go about it. Taking care of responsibilities is now simmering down in me. Being selfish is no longer a prerogative of living in an unfair world, giving is. So in totality, I think the events in my life has done me more good than bad. I've become the safest bet in the universe. Haha. If you know what I mean.

-END-

Warning: this may sound unusually funny

2007-01-17T16:32:00.000+08:00

Talking me into buying unnecessary stuff is my nephew's best manipulating tactic. He wants a new toy car to smash. Since I don't want to get him another one of those, I thought of giving him a new teddy bear that could stay with him for decades. And get this, you have to know what he said when I asked him about it.

Me: Gusto mo ba ng new teddy bear? Yan tulad ng binigay ko sayo. pero bago.

Ethan: *considered it for a while* Opo. pero gusto ko mas malaki.

Me: Sige, pero... pag binigyan kita nun, ipapamigay na natin sa mga bata yang lumang bear mo ha?

Ethan: Ibig mong sabihin, papalitan mo ang bear ko ng bago? Ayaw ko na.

Me: Bakit naman? Bibigyan kita ng mas malaki, mas malambot at hindi madungis. Ayaw mo pa rin?

Ethan didn't budge and I prodded for an answer.

>Bakit nga?? (para akong bata sa kakulitan noh?haha)

Sa mga bata mo na lang ibigay yung bago. Kasi Auntie, (hesitated), love ko si paopao(bear's name). Ipapamigay mo ba kung mahal mo? (it's like asking me, would you let OTHERS take them away and force you to let go of it?)

> HINDI. siempre, yan ang sagot.

See? Kids really say the darndest things!

Lesson: Don't get into any serious talk with kids or you might get hit. It's either maasar yung bata sayo o ikaw ang maasar sa sarili mo. Haha.

Food = Evil

2007-01-15T21:11:00.000+08:00

Do you call gaining 5lbs in less than 3 weeks a bad thing or a good thing? I mean, for my stature, that is. :D Wah, if I reach 90lbs, I swear I'm going to sweat it out in the gym! I really noticed that my hips became wider and my ~~butt~~ got a little flabby. Got to take a chunk off on my foodrama. And start eating breakfast again! Argh.Well, actually I've been planning to seriously take up dancing (aero) classes or any random rough sport. I just can't find the right motivation. Yeah, maybe I can find the "motivation slash inspiration" in the gym if I'd go looking. Haha. Kidding. I don't know. Sticking my nose in books, mixing up something in the kitchen, teaching to pass the time and other things are still on my mind. Hay... can't even focus on things like such, what more on another distraction?

By the way, I've turned down the offer to teach again. I just said that I'd be busy in the office these days and all that crappy excuses which added up to my guilt. Hay, I'd really love to be back on the game, but it seems like I won't be able to play it well with my current "situation" (you can take it literally or the other way). And if I can' t give my best to the thing I love doing, it's better not to pursue it. I don't think I have the stamina to keep up with it - at the moment. Seriously, I'm busy thinking about a lot of things and multi-tasking "physically" is not my current rage.

Shoo! Banish the slacker in me.

Check me out

2007-01-12T14:07:00.000+08:00

justin-hartley
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

Ahem, ahem. This is Justin Hartley, the freshest swoon-worthy guy on my exclusive and very limited list of "Eye Candies". :D Doesn't he look yummy? haha. Kidding. ;) At this minute, my eyes are on him. Who knows about the next? When I get tired of him, I might get back adoring myself on the mirror for hours again. Nyahaha. Meanwhile, I have this cutie to feast on. Move over Ashton!

Oh yeah, catch him on the 6th season of Smallville. :)

Right, I gotta go now... have to accompany bestest to do some shopping. Yey! Time to dash out for a stroll.

when you can't get your mind off something,

2007-01-11T18:12:00.000+08:00

...it's time to find a distraction.

Uhm, like getting stuck watching Smallville (season 6). :D I don't know how many of you love Superman (well, I don't), but I like how the story has become twisted through the years. And to think, it's like there isn't any TV series that existed before Smallville in terms of how the characters perfectly fit the actors. Syempre, matagal ko ring sinubaybayan 'to ano! Might as well stick to it until I get wrinkles on my face. Yeah, it's been going on for years and I don't have an idea when the story would be put to the grave. HAHA. Now I can watch any TV series as long as I can relate to it or any of the characters there. Like House MD. :) We're both full of sarcasm, yet I am NOT bitter.

Hay, when will I ever get back to reading? I have 4 unopened books waiting for me to notice them and finally leaf through it. And I just can't do that right now. I'd have less time when I get another job. I also expect that my weekends would be full catching up with my friends or pampering myself. Aww...Am I heading for a suicide? or will I get out of this alive?

THINK, think, THINK!

I asked for a sign and I've always trusted my guts what to follow. But I hope everything comes out well for me. I don't mind facing more challenges. In fact, that fuels my desire to be better at something. And I don't want to stop yearning to be better and to do more. You want to know why? The feeling of contentment scares me because it could make me realize, that it's not what I wanted and let it go.

Giddi-bee-bop-du-wap (nan michut su)

2007-01-09T21:13:00.000+08:00

Whew! i finally got to watch to the end of it. And what am i talking about? It's Princess Hours!Weeh! It was really good and you should watch it. :P I left Prison break, Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill and The OC so that i could finish it up. Let's just say I chose to squeeze this one in during holidays because my younger cousins wanted to see this too. I've had this for months and if it weren't for a few days without having to go to work, it would have just gathered dust on the shelf - and i wouldn't have felt happier any sooner. So there, that was our bonding on the telly. We laughed and ~~cried~~ together - just like the best thing, huh?

watch it! watch it! watch it! (ugh, don't push it. :p)

CLICKITY! :D ---> http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xeq40_princess-hours
*spoiler coming up*

Anyway, it's understandable, the last scene left the viewers hanging in mid air. Yes, bitin siya. Haha. It just indicated (hinted) that the couple would be having a baby. Movie clips (along with the credits) shown pictures of their family having a child. Hehe. So possibly, they got back to the palace or lived their lives outside. Whatever it is, this korean drama made me a little more optimistic about...ahem. Finding and accepting one's fate. Haha. I have other Korean Dramas that I hope I could find time to get hooked on. :P For now, I'll go back to watching my Western tv series. :D

Anyway, have I told you that I have plans of going back to teaching? What for? Why? Because I, for lack of reasons to back me up, just miss it. Truth is, what I'd be earning everyday would just amount to my regular taxi fare (if I'd only have 1 or 2 loads a day --that's the maximum I could handle). And even if I'm now living in QC again with a short distance to the School I used to teach in, I would have to take 3 rides and get up every 7 in the morning or earlier just to get there. You just imagine the weight that I'd have to pull. So it's not for the money. It's for the love of it. :D If I could find a side line somewhere near here, I'd grab it. Less trouble.

So until there isn't any schedule for me yet, I'd have to get myself busy with other things. I want to be pre-occupied. To be always full of thoughts. Oh well, I'm still undecided. I'm still thinking if I can indeed carry on with this. But hey, do you think I'd do good as a career juggler? :D

PRESS RELEASE 07

2007-01-03T05:57:00.000+08:00

It's the last day of the year and I still haven't started with my list of resolutions for 2007. But think about it, do we really need to do that every year? Do you still get the kick out of trying to change your habits as the New Year bangs away? Tell me, how many of you actually keep those promises or cheat on yourselves and make everyone else believe that you've made an internal overhaul when everything's still in chaos - really? What's the point in all of this? Okay, right. Since the priest's sermon said that a new year means erasing the bitterness of the past, I will make my own resolution for this year, just one - anything I can make out of and stick to.

*reflect*

Can I say that I won't give too much of myself anymore? Or I would go scrimp and save for myself this time? Maybe stop forgiving and taking back friends who broke my heart - to avoid getting hurt and to stop feeling pain. Can I turn genuine goodness into mediocrity of downbeat visceral frequency? I badly want to practice fairness, but how can one be fair when it is indeed a limited concept that cannot grant even an inch of extension when you need it? Some people say I'm too kind (really?) and I should not let people take advantage of my so-called "benevolence" so to speak. Others may say that I'm too harsh and that I don't care about their feelings. Truth is, people who say that are usually the ones I once cared about. I just got tired of caring.

So, what sort of changes should be made? Actually, I've started rearranging my life in 2006. I've thrown my piled up garbage. I've left my sentimentality on the rocks (literally). I've started picking up the broken pieces in me and gluing it together. You know guys, there's always the right time to make major changes. I don't need another year to fulfill that promise - especially to myself. And tell you what; my progress chart indicates that I'm doing well and my survival rate is going up. This year, all that I need to do is to perfect my self-advancement skills. I promise, SUCCESS would be my last name and I'd cut all ties with REGRETS.

I welcome the first day of the year with a sluggish smile and a heavy head. I have learned how to heal my wounds and forgive the ones who've hurt me - including myself. Yes, I hurt because of my own tenacious actions. I used to hate myself for that. I used to hate spinning numbly in the realm of human nature. Didn't I tell you that I am a masochist and sadist at the same time? Go figure! For me, the balance of pain and happiness bound normalcy. Too much of one means you're going off track. Got that? So maybe this year, I'd choose to be happier than sad - who cares if I become a little crazier this time? I just have myself to deal with and nobody else stands in my way.

of physical idleness and mental hyperactivity

2006-12-21T19:27:00.000+08:00

screen
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

even during my idle moments, i still find ways to communicate and let the whole world know that i'm doing shit and I want to get out of it! Friendster, Yahoo Messenger and my mp3 compilation play as my life support and yes(you bet), my anchor to keep me in place. I need more distraction to keep my head above the surface though. I always want to be working on something so my body wouldn't freeze and sink. I want to keep myself busy and take my mind far from the world I see and I am now getting used to living.

Am I getting myself across? Can you hear me choking on every word I say? Or am I too far away now? How can I get to where you are? Dreams. Success. Bliss. These ardous attempts always seem to resemble failure whenever I feel the sand beneathe my feet. I want to stop swimming and finally get to the shore. By then I can die under the burning heat sipping a singapore sling with my face to the sun.

dive into the pool of erratic emotional dilemma

2006-12-19T17:19:00.000+08:00

e-mo-tion (noun) : an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

it flicks like a switch and twitch your heart inside. these emotions hit you directly with a force of an avalanche and some people like me and bestie have found a synonym for emotion and that is, curse.

It is a curse. And sometimes you wonder why it has to happen. And why does it happen on you. A certain emotion has been blocked out of my system and for a long time I thought that I was no longer capable of feeling the pinch. But why am I here feeling like a candle wasted in burning? What am I thinking? Am I missing out on something? I must have left unfinished businesses during the clearing out. I must have mistaken a serious wound for a scab and didn't think of giving an aid for healing. Whatever it is, I feel like something in me tore open and it hurt. It isn't that bad. I just hate it. If I have to feel pain all my life, I would have chosen to be a rock. And crunch beneathe your feet, break into pieces and still remain as a solid dimentional rock of hollowness.

Whew, eventhough you hardly have any idea of what I'm talking about...I'm now zingy that writing shoved me out of my emotional distress. It may be temporarily, but it helps. At least at this moment, I'm still functioning as a human half granite slab.

---------->Side B

Yesterday:

A glorious day for shopping. Arriving from Laguna, my grandparents' Golden Anniversary, we agreed to brave the always suffocating crowd of Divisoria and SM malls with my cousins. It was really fun with a sigh of exhaustion. I'm not yet done with my Christmas shopping and I'm afraid that I'm almost out of time. But I have planned an agenda already. Since I couldn't find nice shoes for my mom (which I am not even sure would fit), I think I'd just bring her to the Mall with me. Then we'll buy a gift for Dad.

Who doesn't like receiving gifts in gliterry and stylish wrappers? Well, my brothers are the top spoilers of excitement. Really. The one dragged me to his favorite shop and told me that there's only one gift he wanted to get from me and it's that Nike khaki shorts. Damn it. I don't know why I couldn't say no to him. I've been hypnotized. I resisted a bit but later on gave in. I really couldn't complain with that freaking smile on his face that tells me, "Sis, you're the best! at nauto na naman kita!". Argh. Anyway, the other is trying to guess what I got for him and he's right! Ohmygulaysh! I wanted to hide the suprised look on my face but my eyes betrayed me! I couldn't help laughing in disbelief. My cousin (si Ms. Pabili at Arbor), was able to convince me to buy her something. Ugh. It was like my Christmas shopping list has been ruined. What am I going to need it for? I bought what they wanted and not what I wanted to give them that I THINK they WANT. Hmm, maybe I just have a hang up on gift giving when I was still a toddler. Sarj, you're getting old. You're ageing. Stop treating people like a bunch of kids waiting for their socks to be filled with candies on Christmas Eve! Aww, cut it out! Walang pakialamanan!

Because of that, I deleted the wishlist of the person I picked for our exchange gift (SEO team). Now, I have the liberty to get HER (clue!) whatever I desire. I just hope she'd like it. ;) or, I'm
going to take it back and give her money instead. Haha.

So I think my Dad is the only person in my family who wants to be surprised or he just doesn't like guesing? =p

The Kulam Victim

2006-12-13T19:17:00.000+08:00

Faith and doubt both are needed - not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.

The skeptics, who may burst into laughter later, would surely find this crazy. I, even, used to think the whole idea to be utterly ridiculous. But it turned out to be one hell-and-hair-raising experience. The Mambabarang doesn't look scary at all, something in my racing heart knew I was up for a spin. Literally.

OO, nakulam ako. I don't know how to say it in plain discernible English, so there.

I've been having constant grumble with all my hurting internal organs such as my head, heart, and tummy. For over 5 years, doctors came up with the following diagnoses:

headache= migraine

chest pains= heartburn, chostochondritis

stomach ache= suspected ulcer, gall stones, hyper acidity,
gastroentoritis

I haven't found a cure for any. Maybe I depended on pain killers for a while, but that didn't last long enough to stop it from recurring. I don't know if the pain caused my insomnia, irritability and mood swings. I haven't got a clue for that. I just know that I was born with a stubborn mind and low tolerance for vexation. As far as I am concerned, I've been acting normally. Yeah, I can be strange sometimes, but then again...I've never been posessed. And for the latter part, I got it right. My soul had just been trapped in a jar for five long years and I (the proverbial voodoo doll) was left hanging. It was hard to believe. That for five years I've been robbed of the greater and central part of my being. And she explained that it was the only explanation for those times when I couldn't focus on something and couldn't seem to fathom what I am feeling. For those times when I feel that "I am not myself", when I stare at a distance seemingly deep in thoughts. When she said that,it felt like I finally found the answer and believed it to be the truth. I'm
telling you, it's probably one of the horrible realizations I've had in a lifetime. It may probably sound like a sleeping-beauty-fairy-tale-in-the-making life story, but you know, things like this happen. I really didn't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for the people I've hurt because of the
amplified destructive emotions that forced me to break or the lack of it.

That was not the only thing that was done to me. There are, in fact, several. Like sticking a barbeque through my chest, tying a knot around my tummy,letting candle wax drip over my head, etc, etc. I don't care about all that crap anymore. All I care about now is that whatever
diabolical element that has been hanging over me has finally vanished. Or i would very much like to believe that I'm through with it and I'd be off as a whole (theoretically speaking) spiritual being again.

Now what? I was given a talisman that I should wear at ALL TIMES. And I mean all the time. When taking a bubble bath, sporting a bikini or whatever. Since it looks peculiar, maybe i'd make a chain for it and tie it around my ankles. I really don't know for how long, but...okay,maybe as long as I can stand it. Oh, bummer!

Moral of the story:

Stay away from suspicious looking creatures with bad taste in clothing, ugly fringes, marble-like eyes, sharp darting tongue and an aura of oppressive cruelty. Or else, you'd be wearing a piece of unknown jewelry for the rest of your life! Dang, itchy!

If only I could swallow it whole, I would. Who knows what kind superheroine I'd turn into? Whoa, that would be a swell!

Not your typical sort of bullocks

2006-12-11T20:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's weather has turned up real bad. I almost caught the flu, but thankfully, I didn't - just a few rounds of sneezing. Anyway, I couldn't cancel my appointment because it's not me when I call meetings off for shallow reasons. Meaning, there has to be other ways to ditch a plan. But this time, it has to push through.

I initially thought it would be odd to see him again after months of shut-down, but I felt strangely composed to be near him. Well, yeah. As if I've never tried pretending acting cool, but this time – the act is over. I've never felt more like myself. And not that I've pretended to be someone else around him, it's just that the tension is off on the ground we now stand on. And how do I evaluate his "behavior" (to borrow someone's turn of phrase) last night? He was like brand new. Haha. Seriously. He was just like the guy I found (or who found me) years ago. Plus, having some sort of qualities he has acquired through the years he spent with me. And I don't know any other way to describe it. Catch up or get lost.

Admittedly, I missed him. I mean, it would be phony to say that I didn't when I know that I'd be lying especially to myself and not to anyone of you out there. Thank God there were no awkward moments, at least for me. He might have given away some insignificant hints of hesitation (during conversations and whatnot), but that's just him taking precautions so as not to appear foolish. Haha. And there goes another sarcastic laugh aimed at myself. Haha. Oops. Okay, just because I'm happy that it didn't turn into a disaster or the type of "reunion" that both or either party would surely regret – I'll tell you what happened.

He picked me up at 2:30 pm at Megamall. Just after I finished licking (okay, that doesn't sound good) my spoon and fork at Recipes. We went straight ahead to Greenbelt and since neither I, nor neither him, could think of a place to eat after parking, we decided to start the walkathon to Glorietta. I had dessert at Penny Cookies and he grabbed his burger at Tender Bob's. Dinner was nothing special because it's Yellowcab again. Pizza time. I've had 5 pizza parties in one week! Imagine that! No wonder, I let him take it home to his sisters. That's just about 6pm. He seemed anxiously excited to watch Happy Feet. I, on the other hand, couldn't remember the last movie I saw. Fucked up mind. So I nodded compliantly when he asked if I wanted to catch one. Yeah, it's like I could use a good laugh. And no doubt, it was hilarious. The Mexican penguin, Ramon, dubbed by Robin Williams, appeared to get me by the bait.

"Let me tell you something, come closer, don't be afraid...", mimicking the voice of a Mexican-black-American penguin.

You've had it! That's it! What do you think? I think the best about it is that, I didn't freeze and drown. I might have frozen like an iceberg when I was about to see him but I felt buoyant as soon as I started breaking myself to facilitate a good conversation. Figuratively speaking, of course. Oh yes, before I forget, there were no scary confrontations or whatever. I guess we didn't find an excuse/reason to bring it up. And that’s a good thing. I swear. I know I've already let it go and it seems that somehow, he knows he has to come around making things right for himself. However he does it is beyond me. Getting along well, surely enough is a success for me already. I actually wanted to hug him for the feeling of total liberation and patently authentic happiness.

9pm, I was already on my way home. Of course, he drove me home. Like as if he had a choice. He's got to be nice, right? Haha. And because he has to be nice, he gave me a book by Nick Hornby. He knew I like it because I told him (jokingly) that if he's going to get me a book it’s gotta be this OR that. ;p I'm glad he took it seriously though. Though he kept telling me that it costs a lot. I know he's just being Vj. If you know what I mean, that is.

End. Post-friendly-date messages cannot be disclosed. Told yah, I'm good at handling this kind of business.

Chunk off the bad part

2006-12-06T17:18:00.001+08:00

This is something new - unbelievable even. My birthday passed without a drop of beer going down my throat. I have to give Starbucks the credit for the alcohol-substitute. Since I don't think I brought anyone who'd tolerate my craving for the bitter, we ended up swigging blended tea, lattes and frappes. My friend will be getting his 2007 planners in no time. Haha. Well, actually, I didn't have to fight the urge to drink for several reasons. Truth be told, I wasn't in the mood for bar drinks last night. More than half of the time, all I wanted to do was to shoot the breeze and never shut up. So you think that's the end of it? Let's start carrying on with the story...

I invited a few friends to come for dinner at OJ's Bar in Libis. Some weren't able to make it (because of my battery's fault! It was down to a zilch). And others are too "pa-importante" who are being too much of a bother already. Ahem, I am not supposed to wait, am I? Not to mention, beg for them to be there. In fact, they did hand me in a very nice favor. I had fewer bucks to pay for the bill. Thanks to you! Haha. Being the muse isn't much of a big role to handle. I'm used to it. It's okay to be treated like a guy sometimes. Bring about stupid jokes and disgusting, blunt stories that even guys don't openly talk about. hint hint. ;) It's only for pure fun. And as long as you're talking about other people, it won't sound offensive. It would only make you shudder with revulsion.

After dinner, James already went ahead. So by then I was left with the trio. With their sizes and built, I almost looked like a bonsai amidst molave trees. Haha. Since I always walk to the lead, I feel like a VIP surrounded by my personal security forces. Kay Jek pa lang, matatakot na sila. I had a great time having them around. I really did.

I won the basketball (shooting) tournament at Quantum by 2 points! Ha! Losers! This was really my day. And belting out 3 songs by the Backstreet Boys earned me a score of 100% for each. Syempre, todo bigay ako e. Sayang ang pagkakataon! I feel so jologs just thinking about it. Albeit, admittedly, I'm just like one of those high school kids who admired them as one of the first boy bands and puked them out of their system after a while. What's remained in my head now is that BOY BANDS SUCK! Except Boyz II Men, which is an all-black boy band and obviously, that makes all the difference.

You know what? I can't help shaking my head and laughing at myself at this point. I only wanted to talk about how the birthday celebration went and I drowned it with my endless side comments again. I really can't do away with that, huh? Sorry, that's just me. I could only let unnecessary remarks drop and not my birthday wishes. And how about the gifts that I got? No, I can't tell you that either. So, I'll just finish this off with these lines:

At twenty two, I guess the best gift that God has given me is freedom. Next would be good health (that means surviving stress) and lastly, a chance to rebuild my life. Yes, He's working on his masterpiece in me. And I know it beyond doubt.

It's holiday just 'cause...

2006-12-04T21:25:00.000+08:00

My shift is about to end and I still have one pending task to do. Ah, the ultra-convoluted keywords. I'll get back to you on Wednesday because tomorrow is a Holiday and I'm off to take pleasure in the heights of ecstasy. Don't worry; I'll update you as soon as I get to blogging again. Yeah! I'm totally psyched. And will you please smack this stupid grin off my face? It's making me look like and idiot to myself. But well, what's wrong with being happy? Haha. Thanks to the advanced greetings and surprises. ;) And congratulations, you succeeded in shocking me, bubbling me up and in turning me into a ball of madness (that’s a good thing of course). So, see yah.

Just one call

2006-11-29T21:06:00.001+08:00

"I have God's number...He is a fine gentleman. Would you care to talk to
Him?"

A quote I got from Wild Sheep Chase. It was this one character in that story who was a chauffeur claiming that someone gave him God's phone number so he could communicate with Him. Another argued that if it's true, then everybody would be calling God. The lines would be jammed and all you'd get is an angry busy tone. But he simply said that God can talk to anyone simultaneously. He accomodates everyone. He listens. He comforts. He's always there for you to talk to.

And all you need is the humility to come to Him. The courage to put down your defenses and to admit that you are weak. That you need Him. I've always needed him. I know He would answer my prayers in time. And I'm willing to wait. You know, I just can't imagine life without ever
knowing Him. Without Him serving as my crutches when I feel bruised and can't seem to hang onto anyone.

Actually, I'm in a spiritual dilemma right now - although indirectly. It's my friend. Since she told me about "it", I couldn't help but to feel involved in this matter. I feel the weight of the abandoned responsibility that is apparently not my own and I don't know how long I can take it in. Again, it's the feeling of helplessness crushing me into the spot where I got myself trapped. I do not welcome this compelling forces within me that push me to take actions or otherwise. Hay, I just want to ask God to help her with her decision and through her situation. I really can't do anything more.

If only I have Your number, I would have given it to her. But since I don't, please try to call her until she picks up the phone. Please, make her listen.

Beat it!

2006-11-28T20:59:00.000+08:00

Finally, the book I spotted at Avalon.ph is mine! I picked it up from the seller this afternoon. I've been dying to get my hands on that book since I heard about it from a friend. I have to finish Murakami's in a flash so I can start with my new books. *sigh* I wish I could get the time this weekend to kick my shoes and strap myself to the poles of the house (to be sure that I wouldn't start wandering somewhere). And I wish I could resist the incessant invitations to go out. See? A lot of people wants to be with me. What makes you think that I still need a gum to stick to the soles of my flip flops? Haha. Hey, correction (to what you may probably think): that's not a bitter line. So cut it out!

Darn, I really feel uncomfortable right now. Like I can't stay a moment longer in this seat. Boo-hoo. I so want to go home. :( But, on the contrary, this day seems to lighten me up. Feels like a warm nestle quik before I hit the sack. Somehow tunes me up and puts me in a good mood.
Still, that doesn't change the fact that stress keeps dabbing my rose-tinted sheild with dark colors. Managing stress is a toughie, but I'm good at it - mind you.

May technique d'yan. Eto...

Find someone who simply listens while you talk. Indulge in a therapeutic blubber. And then beat the emotional freak in you! Now, you're ready to wolf down a bowl of banana split (from Le Souffle! Wah, I suddenly remembered the taste! *yum*and the feeling of eating it alone *ouch* and a scene almost painful to watch) and yeah, laugh hysterically at yourself. If you can do that, then you're perfectly fine. But if you go beyond that, (like when you laugh and cry at the same time and twirl the strands of your hair around your pinky) try a shrink to get you through. Okay? Just remember that suicide is not an option. It's the only solution. Haha. Just messing with you! ;) 30 mins to go and I'd be heading to the exit. Now, that's happiness for me.

constant complain

2006-11-27T18:44:00.000+08:00

November 25:

It was sister's birthday and Terence's Christening. Check out the pics at twilite.multiply.com. However, I doubt if you can view it if you don't have a multiply account. Oh well, I'll set it to public so everyone could have a piece.:) Anyway, I don't know what I did that day that made me feel so exhausted. Was it waking up at 7am for the preparation? Was it applying mascara while blow-drying my hair? Was it running around the Baptistry to get a better shot? or maybe laughing the whole time? I didn't entertain the guests. All I did was eat and take a dump (sus, "eww" all you want). Haha.Yes, I agree. That was ultimately exhausting. With every plate that I've polished off, you could just imagine how literally bloated I felt and well, looked. Haha. Lunch at Barrio Fiesta was followed by cases of beer and another long table of cholesterol and sweets served at home. My bro in laws and other guests kept paging me (with the use of the videoke mic) while I was taking a rest upstairs. No choice. I finally budged. Downed 3 bottles of SMB light. And my head started the drill. I just know that I had to bail out and sleep. So that's it. When I say I'm done, I'm done. No kind or manner of convincing could make me chug another bottle, especially when they're out of ice! And yeah, before I rushed to the bedroom, I gave them a one last song. "Kung wala ka" by Hale. Yan naman mga katuwaan ng mga lalake
e, yung may nauuto. Haha. Di bale, nauuto ko rin naman sila. Haha. have you forgotten? Lalake rin ako noh. :) 10 pm was the end of the night for me.

----------------------------->

A quote from an unknown texter crunched my eyebrows. Who is this again? So I sent a message asking for a name. No reply. Okay, no one cares.

I went to mass, someone gave me a flier and it read "Vj's Party Balloons and Supplies". Right.After the mass is malling time for me and Ethan. Sm Centerpoint is the nearest one, so my sis and I took him there. There were huge posters of Happy Feet everywhere and I know what I was thinking. But Ethan suddenly blurted out, "uncle vj!" while pointing over to one poster displaying a "happy" penguin with its feet up. Cute. Ethan always remembers Vj as the cuddly big penguin in my life. A penguin who apparently hasn't found his match yet. Argh, I'm not in need of mnemonics and I don't take it as a sign. :)

Later that day, I texted him. Just to say that I remembered him (after all, we're friends). My phone had no indication of a message from him. Not that I was expecting, I was just hoping he got it. But he didn't. It was fate. Anything that I might have said, might have been misunderstood if ever he got to read it. So I was thankful that it didn't reach him. Haha. You wanna know how I learned that he wasn't able to get it? Because he was the unknown texter who sent me a tacky message earlier. He changed his number. I wonder why he still had to let me know. He could have just kept it a secret. Or he could've just texted me without asking me (for the nth time) if I'm already accepting applications for the position of "suitor" in my love department. No, not yet. No one has the guts to enter. But that's okay, love department is currently undergoing an overhaul. It would probably take a while. Look, I'm tired of answering pointless questions. More than that, I'm tired of trying not to hurt anyone by sinking into this tachycardiac silence.

GY Chronicles

2006-11-18T06:34:00.000+08:00

This week, is by far, the most stressful run in my career here in e-pac. Editing and proofreading emails (which is really nerve racking), revising web pages, designing e-mail templates, preparing reports don't seem so bad at all - except when you have to accomplish everything all at the same time. Pretty interesting, huh? For the first time, I could say that "hindi ako nagpetiks!". Even during our (self-imposed) limited break, I was still thinking about the job I had to finish by the end of the shift. Gone are the days when I could still watch a movie or two, doze off for 5 mins flat.Now all we ever had to deal with was a constant flow of workplace chaos. Well, I am not complaining about the fun part though. ;) Whether I'm just sitting here with Beng and listening to the babbling of the chickens or out taking a sip of margarita, we can always find something
entertaining (translation: uberfunny) to talk about.Haha.Talk about slapsticks. ;)

Anyway, time to get back to work. I'll squeeze out my last ounce of strength on this. I'm looking forward to our "activity day" at EK. Oh my, we are so on. Well, i hope everybody shows up or i'll end up getting my hands full with books (as I would use up all my money buying those
instead.=p). What's up with all the "ups"? Pssh. Watching the sunrise drills bull through my head.Ack. I'm gonna crack. I need to catch some zZzs.

Smiles that you can't fake

2006-11-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

It wasn't because of depression. Nor because of boredom. Err, maybe a little. But no, it was just a great day to give myself some loving. It's about time for self-pampering. After all, it's better than killing time at home. Hehe. :) Anyway, that was last Saturday. I met up with two group of friends. Nice to be back on the GO with flashing neon green lights! I mean, it's the "active" mode again.And I don't mind staying like that for a fraction of time. I actually missed it.

Friends. friends. friends. can't get enough of you guys. I'm glad that I'm contented with your company. You make me wanna say, "you complete me". Ay saws!Hmm, let's make a back track on my barkada "chill" sessions.

Saturday:
4pm: Watched the movie and had dinner at Gateway with Eliv and Weltsch.

9pm-onwards: Billiards and inuman with bday boy Mark, Butz, Alt, Ian, Jake, Lian, Sheens and Salee.

Today:
Pig out at Starbucks (argh, you got me with an evil tummy ache) with Jek. He liked the Bitcho Bitcho! Nice. Hehe.

Yehehey. Saya ng buhay! Diba? ;)

Oh well, i'll upload my newly-tailored-hairdo (ugh, that's redundant, i know. hehe) pictures tomorrow. Hehe. I just forgot to bring the memory card. Oops.

:)

:)
:)
:)
SMILEYS! Hay, loka loka na ako.

I hope Jek, Mickey, Cd, James and the others passed the ECE Boards. *fingers crossed*. It would really mean a lot to me if God heard my prayers. I'd really like to celebrate with them.
Yey! Cheers! Mas excited pa nga ata ako sa results e...at kinakabahan din ako. Weird. Ah basta, top notchers pa rin kayo sa akin! Naks! =p

reminiscing

2006-10-18T21:07:00.000+08:00

The last episode of Grey's Anatomy in season two was a tearjerker. And with the use of earphones, I was able to absorb the dialogues well. Like I was there, yeah right. haha. Argh! I can't wait to get to the third season! *sob* Okay, off to the other "distraction". I'm going to watch a movie tonight. So, after that...either I start straining my eyes reading Murakami's thoughts or focusing on the face of One Tree Hill's Chad. He's not my type all right. I'm just
trying to see what's likable about him. Ugh, maybe the eyes is a plus. Haha. Oh no, Beng's gonna kill me.

*Off topic*

He texted. It's just a forwarded message and I didn't feel anything. Weird. Normally, I'd feel disappointed or bad. Disappointed in the sense that it would remind me that he's not
supposed to text me anymore but still does. Or he would say things I wouldn't want to hear (anymore).Now, it's like, well...nothing. I could just give a nonchalant shrug. Okay, just a forwarded message. No big deal. He's probably maximizing his unlimited texts. hehe. Aba, may ka-text! As if!

I had dinner with Joni and Beng. It feels good to reminisce about past relationships. I keep going on and on about the good things though. As well as Beng and Joni. Okay lang naman yun e, remembering the good things and no bitterness. Just like feeling the heat of the sun on your face after taking a bite from a freshly picked apple. yeah. :)

Quick Fix

2006-10-16T19:12:00.000+08:00

"Maybe Romeo & Juliet were fated to be together but just for a while. And then their time passed. If they could've known that beforehand maybe it would've all been okay...Even now I believe for the most part love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending ... most of the time. And that sometimes despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway."
---(Meredith) Grey's Anatomy

I couldn't argue with that. You can keep trying to win back the love you lost. But if fate won't give you a second chance to place a bet on the game, there's nothing more you can do. Life would just give you a few incentives for the effort, but that's all you'd get. Either you accept it or starve to death waiting to be fed with illusions that things will get better in time. If you choose the latter, you'll die not ever getting what you deserve. Too late, you lost. No more choices left.

"Scared and damaged"

yes, that's what you'll be. I'm alone but i'm not scared to climb up the tree and get bruises when i fall. Who knows? Someone might catch me for the second time. I'm not picky. I don't care whoever that may be, as long as he comes at the right time and at the right place. And say the right words like, "you're crazy! you really wanna get yourself hurt, huh?". I mean, it doesn't have to be all mushy. Some people still have to rehearse what they have to say, you know. Sometimes, reacting violently and blurting out stupid things show how much you care. But here's another problem, you have to know when to strike with stupid comments. Right timing, eh? God, life is really messed up. And you gotta have the guts to fix it up for yourself or else, you blend in the mess. It's up to you to figure out what works better.

There are exceptions, of course. When you breakdown, you turn yourself into a mess. But it helps. It pushes you to do some sorting out when you're done turning your world upside down. Looking at the clutter, you pick up the most important to the least. Arrange it again or rearrange it. Doesn't matter. Now you distinguish and know what to keep from the ones you have to throw out. Things that need dusting off or polishing. Things that need a new owner for them to be taken care of. Things to be given away. With or without replacement, all you need is to see things differently. Knowing what you want and what really matters --- it's more than just a gift you give yourself.

"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It's not a day on a calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year.It's an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope.A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories.What's important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to..."

hmmm...i still look best!

2006-10-14T05:40:00.000+08:00

get the shots!

2006-10-12T05:54:00.000+08:00

bla
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

...usapang bangag na naman ba?!

this was taken at Rufo's. Gotta try out new food and exercise by walking.

San Miguel Ave. Pearl Drive. Memories. :)

lazing around

2006-10-10T04:35:00.000+08:00

Addiction
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

what do i get myself busy with these days?

No, i'm not YET dating or seeing someone new. How could you think of that? You really think that i'm the meanest girl alive huh? Well, truth is, i'm loving the life that God gave me NOW to grab a bite off. Again. =p

As of the moment, my heart beats for all the boylets that charge me up with all that adrenaline. hehe.

Topnotchers:

1. Terence (i'm totally in love with my baby!uhuh, you'd be floored.)
2. Ethan (oh, don't tell him he ranks number two.haha)
3. Greg (yeah, we're this "tight". see? sarcasm works for both of us.)
4. Tom (but when it comes to matters of the heart, you're really stupid.)
5. Haruki (i seem to enjoy eccentric maladies (hence, complexities)of life...just like him)

Ok...so what am i saying literally? Seriously?

I have a life. And I live it this way. Spending long boring afternoons vegging on the telly. Trying to gain weight by eating (A LOT!) while on a dvd marathon and hope it settles in the right places. Oh, do you think it's such a bore? No way! Haha. Even when i'm at home, I DO MULTI-TASK! hehe...I follow a sort of ritual though. I get up in the morning, prepare the tub for my babies, play with them, watch, eat, take them out for a stroll (or to get spoiled) and all sort of fun stuff. At least, i enjoy what i'm doing now. Except, ugh, leaving for work and working. Haha. I'm such a badass slacker. Though people don't see me that way. Yeah! Lucky me! Whoops, i'm lucky after all. Poor you. ;)

Anyway, looks like i'm gonna be totally zonked out any minute now. But you know me, I never. ever. sleep. at. work. never. even when i only had 2 hrs of sleep the past night. I'd be damned. Hehe.... Okay now, i'm gonna wait til i get off and scram outta here.

My Eiffel Tower!

2006-10-04T20:53:00.000+08:00

CLICK! for larger version. :)

never wear blue when you are blue.

yeah, it was really lonely going to wonderful places alone. =(

I hope the next won't be another episode of "aimless wandering". if you know what i mean. *wink*

The only thing missing is an ice cream

2006-10-02T21:07:00.000+08:00

This morning, I got a text message from a former classmate. It was like a chain message with a prayer (for our basketball team to win against the Eagles). The last line had me laughing though. It said: VIVA LA TIGRE! Haha. Is is just me or it's really funny? *belat*

Anyway, i was able to watch it (with Beng). Okay, let's not get into details. No, no. Sneaking out of the office isn't on the checklist. =p Basta, we saw from the remaining minute of the 4th quarter to the Tigers' victorious end. Yeah, I was never the one who go gaga over ball games like this. I just wanna see the reaction of whoever wins and loses. Haha. Mean me. Funny, I wasn't expecting our school to win. But I'm glad I placed my bet on them. Right you are, my brother's going to treat me out. =P Whoa! That's what I'm talking about, you should always go with your gut feel. :)

Honestly, I feel lighter today. :) I've finished all my tasks on time. I was able to eat to my heart's content and bring some fries. I ran under the rain like a bubbly kid and actually enjoyed it. Plus, look! I still have enough time to blog! Hay, I feel good. :)

Now I'm coming home to my new "home"....that's to my sister's place in San Juan. OKay, 9 o'clock sharp. Gotta go. But darn, it's still raining. Boo-hoo.

What's real?

2006-09-29T18:00:00.000+08:00

pakyut-v2
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

photoshop really makes dreams come true. haha. yeah, i made ashton's dream come true...to be with me! wahaha. ha! told ya, you're one heck of a lucky guy.

*hard solid slap*

(sorry ash, i don't go for guys who dig Moms. You might like mine when you see her and I won't like that. hahaha! come on now, run to your momma!)

ugh, this is what i do during my "petiks idleness mode" or when i'm waiting for that overstaying muddafucker agent to vacate my workstation or when i need an inspiration to finish my tasks. hahaha!

can you be bored and stressed at the same time? YES! and that's exactly what's brewing inside me now. My eyes are ready to pop out!

I am the rule

2006-09-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

...and never the exception. So now is the time to
refresh and get busy jotting down my standards once
again. I finally came to terms with you-know-who
last night. No more texting. No more chatting. No
more talking of any form. It's time to disconnect
from him.

I thought it would be easy being friends with him,
but it's been a lot harder since we can no longer
talk about what we feel in the open. But I can't go
on pretending that I don't feel, I don't hurt and
that I don't friggin' care. If he can act
nonchalantly while I go on yakking about my dates
and all that, he'd rather stay away from me and
keep that auto-numbing lessons to himself. I've had
too much showbizness, i want to get myself a good
deal. We both deserve to be happy and that's it.
And it's not gonna happen if we're both on a ship
sure to hit the iceberg and sink. Yes, just like
Titanic, it's gonna be tragic. And I am positive to
be the first one to freeze. It's been a great
journey, but yeah - one is bound to die. With my
intention to save us both from the proverbial
tragedy that i could see coming everytime we make
each other feel bad, i chose to jump off and he, on
the other hand, is free to go anywhere he desires.

I realized that moving on really requires closed
doors. No more peaking into each other's lives to
avoid hurting oneself. No more knocking on an
ignoring door. No more trying to get in to know if
it's already locked. No matter how hard you lean
against the door and strain your ears to hear his
footsteps going towards or away that damn door,
still the fact is: it's none of your business
anymore. You can't help him to get up and to move
on. Keep in mind that he knows what to do at thr
right time and your help is the least that he
needs. Give him a break. You can't ask him to stay.
Or maybe you can, but it just wouldn't work. He has
his own will, you have yours. And all you can do,
it's give yourself a favor and get over it. Yes,
some people get back together, some people don't.
SOme people are lucky in love, some people are -
well, too stubborn to admit that things went wrong.
I've had my luck. And I'm thankful for the moment
that I willingly gave it back without regrets. Now
I'm being optimistic that I'll be bouncing to where
happiness dwells and have a spanking good time.
Cheers to single blessedness! *wink wink*

"The only reason he can miss you is because he's
choosing, everyday, not to be with you."

SO what gives? All aboard!

Homebound

2006-09-14T18:34:00.000+08:00

Okay, since blogger has deleted my ongoing giddy musings for the day....I've lost track of what I am supposed to say. Vexation and ecstacy doesn't make a very good match.

Anyway, I was just writing about witnessing and sharing the fun at the Penafrancia Festival in Naga once again after 3 long years...or is 4? Oh my, i miss home. I really do. Most especially, I miss my friends. My good 'ol superfriends. I guess I'd be missing the faces in the office too. Really. Even if I know I'd only be away for 4 days. Hay, this topic is starting to make me sick.

Office.

I'd keep my thoughts for now. Apparently, this word is really making me ubersad right now. Plus, it's pretty much occupying half of my, what? yeah, left brain.

My lips are sealed.

My emotions are rolled up.

My system is tied up in a notch.

I can't do so much as to sit and wait for a heart attack to strike.

what the hell is happening?

Just moments ago I was feeling close to explosion into fits of magically positve energy and now....

i'm feeling suicidal. Ack.

NEWSFLASH

2006-09-07T06:04:00.000+08:00

I saw my life hung by a thread, dwindled dangerously close to nothingness.

The most unimaginable thing happened last Sunday. And although most of you probably know about it already (things like this circulate fast), i still feel that there's still so much more to be said, thankful for --- or yeah, maybe to laugh at. And although I keep telling myself that I am alright, I am still not over the fact that it happened to me and my bestfriend Ghi.

After the mass at Greenhills around 7 in the evening, we started saying our goodbyes and heading to the exit to get a cab home. The rain began to pour as we tried to spot an empty taxi. Well, just our luck! We caught a cabdriver's attention, he let us in. I remember Ghi praising, "Ang bait talaga ni Lord! Nakakua tulos kita(Nakakuha agad tayo)!" And moments later (an estimate of seconds to a minute), while we were about that corner to Edsa, just right in front of Ford Greenhills - the cabdriver halted and unlocked the doors to let those two guys in. The one jumped onto the passenger's seat and the other sat beside me, slammed the door and declared holdup. Doomed. And we thought they were going to let us go after getting all our things, but no. We still took off for an hour of hell ride with the demons. There was no escape from emotional excruciation. All that you could do was nod with your anxious mind and numbing senses. One flase move and you're dead. I swear, had it not been for our obliging stimuli to their death threats, i wouldn't be here writing about this anymore. Some rumormonger will finally type up something real, and perhaps, we'll make it to the tabloid headlines by the next day. But, even if I've been tagged as "malas"(well, by my crazy officemates), i still consider myself lucky for getting another chance to live. I realized that this was not my first time to get into a near-death experience, but this was my first time to be held a captive. This was the first time that I solely depended on saying unending prayers. And I felt God's arms wrapped around me. Sheilding me from possible affliction. I was stoic. Short of breathing. Deathly pale. Uncertain of what to feel and certain of how to respond. But one thing struck me, I realized that I was not yet ready to die. God, spare me, I whispered. And He did. He saved both of us.

For everything that you lost, you'll get something more in return.

"He is never a punishing God."

He let horrible things to take place to make you realize something and to teach you a lesson you can share with others. In effect, others will learn what He wants to impart through you. And I believe that.

"Baka may nagawa kang mali these past few days?"

>"May mali akong nagawa pero hindi yung sukdulan."

"Wala kang matandaan? Meron yan."

>Wala e...wala talaga. Teka, bakit? ganon ba yun?"

If it's supposed to be that way. That the incident last Sunday was a karmatic-manifestation for the bad things I've done... I still don't think I deserve it. But I am positive that things will start getting better. For one thing, I've learned to appreciate my life more and second, I've learned to fully entrust my life to Him. I've learned to believe that miracles happen...and in a snap. And most of the time, it pivots you to a direction where you can change anything you want.

Party people know how to party

2006-08-29T16:13:00.000+08:00

with Weltsch and the party boi(Nic, Dizzy)

the birthday girl

the grub monster

sumosobra na kayo, ako naman!

sarj, focus! puro tawa eh!

go! go! go! you can fit in the camera!

Two of my friends had their birthday last week. And the first birthday celebrator was Nic, my little bro (August 21) then the follwing day it was Kelly's day, my mommy (Aug 22). But the celebration was dragged to Thursday (at Spaghetti Factory) and Friday (Blue Onion). Anyway, it was really fun spending real good time with old and new friends. So, here are the pictures taken on both days. I have no time to arrange it, so you go figure which is which. Click on it for larger view. Naks. Haha...

Backtrack:

Kelly's day was like our usual hang-out and binge eating session. Plus, of course...the non-stop talking and irrepresible laughter. Even with those pictures, I still can't help but laugh. Nyahahaa. See? Weird. Trivia: Sir Barney can gobble up the 2 family size pizza, 4 plates of pasta and 1 chicken meal food in just a matter of seconds! Hmm, yeah. I know you guys can believe it with his garfield built. Oh my God, if he gets to read this I'm dead. Haha... TERMINATED! (okay, i'll talk about that tomorrow after our dreaded meeting at 5:30 a.m! The demon (not Barney) thinks he's God.Who gave him the guts? Argh.)

Friday at Blue Onion:

Huwaw! Thanks to the Red Horse Nic! You made me happy. Giggly and bubbly. And for inviting a magician to come over and amuse me! Hehe... That night was really great. I couldn't say anything more. I even had a nice sleep. Well, it's not because I was intoxicated or anything. It's just that there's nothing more to worry about...unlike before. Hehe. I couldn't even go out at night with guy friends without struggling with my chained wrists. Haha. Yeah, I've sacrificed a lot then. But i didn't regret anything I did just to lessen the fights. :) Anyway....

I'm looking forward to another barkada bonding this coming weekend! See you guys! Satiate me with your corniest jokes and slapstick name-calling! Hell, joyride na!

hmm.. :)

2006-08-17T16:03:00.000+08:00

so you like this huh? ;)

uy, ian! andyan ka pala!haha...=)) i know you're yearning for some justice on those pictures. so here you go. :) I hope this would give everyone a good laugh though. Haha. Peace! :) Wait, when's the ktv belt-out session? I'm running out of moolah, so you better drag me now before I splurge on alcopops and pasta. Hehe.

Hay, it's always such a relief to talk with old friends. remote friends. lost friends. Grr, even having you guys near makes me miss you more. I could really use a vacation. But, I wanna start it off spending time with everyone I missed. I'll see you in September! :) One case of beer coming right up! I swear I'm gonna make you crawl! Haha...

Hmm, my afternoon chat sessions with Gino and Eamon were...what? How do I put it? It was somehow disheartening and I don't know! delightful? Disheartening because I know that I can no longer hang out with them anymore...because, I am willing myself to detach. I know that all those years spent getting used to the company of one another are slowly fading into the gray area of my life. Hay, no need to worry. Nevertheless, I'm still thankful that more important people are still hanging around me. But are they staying just for the mere purpose of transistion? or forever? Is the game of finding and losing still on? Don't tell me. I'd rather be caught unaware.

stabbed

2006-08-10T15:52:00.000+08:00

August 9 (our would have been and supposedly monthsary date)

His first text in the morning. "Happy Monthsary Schatzie!hehe..."

I replied: "I don't find it funny."

I don't know why he's still texting me and I don't know why I am still replying. Grr. I badly want to kill the impulse, but I don;t think that would alleviate the pain I'm still feeling. Hmmm... but yeah, when you've finally learned to walk past the impulse and swim against the current ---I'm positive that I'd be totally free. Knowing that fear itself has loosened its grip on me. Hay... I stopped feeling bad as soon as I squeezed out all my remaining sentiments over a hearty lunch. O ano? Hindi niyo nahalata noh? Bleh! I was no longer feeling bad at all. But then again, that night, as I tried to bring our conversation to an end...He said: "Happy Monthsary...sleep tight. gudmornyt."

Argh...gudmornyt? ahhh!!! I didn't send anything back. I just wanna scream, "why don't you just kill me?!" No, not a drop of tear until I buried my face in my pillow and entered that dream. In the dream, I was crying. I was crying for that reason. And I could feel the exacerbated pain going up to my head. It was so real. In fact, it was and i shook myself into wakefulness. 3:27 a.m. as I felt the stinging tears.

Tears. Why won't you fall? Why do you want to hurt my eyes? Why can you never leave me? Fall, please. And wash away my misery.

But...you just kept still. Nevertheless, even as I rub you off...it is hurting me much more than it is hurting you. But are you hurt? You can transform into anything and leave without a mark, but on my scratched out eyeballs.

Skip the bad days

2006-08-05T10:40:00.000+08:00

hoy!huli ka sa pag-eemote mo!hehe...
that's what? 5 days after the coma moment. yeap!even if I still pour my heart out once in a while, I can say that I'm not as miserable as I was the past weekend. I haven't been crying since this week started. Oh yeah, except that one time when I...well,nevermind. I still get the urge to drop the tears, but each time it seems that it's refusing to fall. And I don't know which one felt better. Succeeding in keeping your flushing cheeks unstreaked or feeling the pain as it stays and lingers in the place where it shouldn't be found? Ang labo ko... i'm talking in riddles again.

Well...
Now is the time to get some sunshine!

Thanks girls! :D Had a great time over iced americano and walnut brownies. ;)

goofing around

2006-08-03T13:42:00.000+08:00

After our weekend sweating it out at the tennis court.:))
yey! ain't it a sweet sight? :D
(starts from extreme left to right)
daddy, mommy, jm, bianca (sitting)and johann. :D
i know they look like their dad. pssh. that's okay. haha!
they just got my "topak".
wow, one happy family!hehe...

**kilig**

i sent them this pic. hehe. i know they're gonna love this! :))

How apt

2006-08-01T09:39:00.000+08:00

I ask a question: "How do I move on?"
And the tarot card that I picked today reads:

Death/Rebirth

Full Reading: This shows a grim reaper and a white rose at the same time. The Sun is setting in the background of the card, indicating the end of daylight hours. This is the card of endings, renewal and transformation of the highest order. The slate will be wiped clean for a fresh start. There will be none of the old left, so a whole new approach needs to be established before true renewal can take place. Sometimes when we draw this card, major events seems to unfold around us that challenge our thinking and our direction in life. Sometimes an unpleasant event shows us the way to a new path. This may seem traumatic at the time, but it is also saying that the old ways are no longer valid, or of value in your new life. It is time to cast aside whatever is hindering your progress in life and make a whole new start. Turn the leaf, sow new seeds, wear new clothes, change your appearance, move house, leave that boring job and get out there and dance. Life can end at any moment for any of us, so it is how wisely we spend our time here that really matters. You can still be serious about some aspects of your life, but leave plenty of room open for fun and for spontaneity. When we are on our death-bed, we will wish we had kicked up our heels more often, been more carefree, eaten more ice-cream, danced longer, sang out loud and showed others how much we love them. Don't wait till then, do it now, while you are alive and still kicking.

---------->

Yep, some kind of a coincidence or something. But I liked it. And how I wish I could do it soon... :) Hay, I'll be better. Promise.

---------->

What comes after the death of a love once blooming? It's the rebirth of my life that was once lost in loving.

Just kill me

2006-07-31T15:23:00.000+08:00

"Yan ang storya!", my cousins screamed in unison. It was like hearing boos on your beautifully-painted masterpiece that didn't sell. How could refuse to believe reality?

I've told them about it but then, you know. They won't believe me. Do I look like i'm messing around? Okay, I may be smiling but hey...i heard myself say..err,bitterly forced the words out. It tasted bitter, like I could shudder. I couldn't make out of my expression. I didn't know if I really looked like I was kidding. And they laughed at me. I felt that they were mocking my feelings, although they weren't really. I just thought, okay. I wouldn't say a thing about it anymore - though they accept it as true or not, it's okay. At least I wouldn't have to answer their prodding questions.

"Asan si Vj?", "Sabihin mo punta dito next week, basketball kami." "Naku, kung andito si Vj hindi nya matitikman yung carbonara ko kasi iba niluto ko." "Bakit hindi mo sinama?" "Ate, ang cute ng picture nyo sa friendster." **pictures with partners** "Yan, di mo kasi sinama...wala ka tuloy paparazzi pics with boyfriend."

Argh. Can you guys just cut it out? Do you really have to see me miserable? Until when can I act casually with all of you guys trying to fill me with the memories up to the brink of my eyes? "Ok lang yan..." Stop telling me that because it's not and I AM NOT. Maybe it will be okay soon or much later. I don't know. And as much as i badly want to know when my heartaches would stop, i'd rather not. I just wanna take my time to grieve over my loss, to watch the world pass by, to learn to walk with shaking knees, to welcome and embrace the pain until i become a part of it and to practice looking ahead and not tracking back to what once have been my spot. I no longer belong there but I haven't started packing up my things yet.

Hay... Am i that good in concealing my real emotion? Of course i didn't wanna burst into tears in front of them or lock myself inside the room and tell them to leave me alone (though I almost, well, somehow did). Wahh... I don't wanna be like this forever. Forever is an awfully long time to mend a heart aching for the past. I wanna live in the "now". But right now is too soon to hide a heart bleeding for another drop of yesterday. Yeah, how can you possibly keep your head with that dilemma?

Answer is: I DON'T KNOW. Do you?

THE ULTIMATE SHOCKER

2006-07-29T06:01:00.000+08:00

Read what my Friendster profile says:

SaRj
Female, 21, Single
Profile Viewed: 62 times since 1/7/2006
Interested in Meeting People for: Friends
Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius
Location: Philippines
Hometown: space between
Friendster Member Since: Sep 2003

IMPORTANT NOTICE:

Please don't ask me anything about this entry after absorbing everything. I've stopped entertaining questions. Please, just do me this favor. Thank you.

I finally learned to let go of my greatest fears - the worst part is - one of which is, LOSING HIM. Yes, Veejay. It was beyond imaginable. For the last time, I had to be strong although I’m breaking into bits of ice being stabbed with an ice pick. I still hurt. And I don't know how long this would throb inside of me. Don't let my defenses melt away.

God, help me get over.

And guys, I need your cooperation too. Even for a month - at the very least - let's not talk about it. Okay? Wag niyo akong kulitin. I'm not gonna breathe a word anymore.

Time to move on. I'll figure out how. I have to!

"...tell me where do I start coz it's breaking my heart...I don't wanna let him go."

But...

It has to end.

Should it start over again, it would have to be more real. More mature. Less complicated. Less of him and less of me. A total change.

nothing to feel but...

2006-07-25T04:22:00.000+08:00

Unang Araw :: Sugarfree

Sadya ba talagang ganyan
Palakad-lakad ka't nakatungo
Sa'n patungo?
Ngayong wala ka na
Kailangang masanay na muling nag-iisa
Sa'n ka na kaya?

'Wag mo akong sisihin
Kung minsan ikay hanapin
Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na
Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na

Nasanay lang sigurong nand'yan ka
'Di ko inakalang pwede kang mawala
'Yan na nga
Nababato, nalulungkot
Luha'y napapawi ng singhot
At talukbong ng kumot

'Wag mo akong sisihin
kung minsan ako'y iyakin
Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na
Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na...

almost 4:30 a.m. barely 10 mins.
tumigil man ang ulan o hindi...
uuwi na ako.

-------------------------------
i really can't say anything. as in, until now i'm still trying to figure out what i felt and infinitely feeling after the lightning finally struck me dead. Carbonara makes me choke. The interiors of my house makes me cringe. God, I can't keep myself from falling apart. I really want to force a smile. Well, I could stretch my facial muscles for a grin, but it gets stiffer everytime. For the first time I didn't feel guilty for telling Vj that I'm really upset and depressed that a person in my life has left. And that I feel empty. It was just a good thing that he sympathizes with me. But it doesn't feel right at all.

Ah, stop. I don't wanna go beyond the words that couldn't explain the circumstance I am in.

-------------------------------

Okay, maybe someday I'd be able to fill you in with what happened or with my thoughts at least. But, let me start collecting myself first. :)

smells like heaven

2006-07-18T08:02:00.000+08:00

I can finally sniff off my new scent :) yihee! Argh. It's addictive. And I know why it didn't last long when I sloshed it on me. Haha. :p Sumakay ka ba naman sa jeep kung hindi mangamoy usok. I kept bugging Weltsch last weekend, do you smell it? Why can't you smell it while I can? At last he said, "oo, may naaamoy ako pero konting konti lang." I snapped, "hmph! badtrip! halos ipaligo ko na yan, tapos wala rin pala.grr." Ahh! I hate pollution! Not only does it leave me exuding with the smell of a burnt charcoal, but it quickly dries up my skin! Shh...ttt.

Anyway, let me tell you about yesterday...

It was raining hard as we dashed off the office and I got this slight ugh, stain on my pants that was ticking me off. Had no choice, I took a cab. I honestly don't like ultra inquisitive drivers, err, people. It's okay if we are this close (at an arms length). Hmph. Papansin. Kakairita! Well, sometimes I answer for the sake of being nice or give a nod in reply. But when it gets into my nerves, I'd give a blank stare. And some people just don't get it. Ugh, too bad.

Then, when I got home tired and all...Ethan greeted me with a warm bear hug and a sloppy, candy-smelling, kiss on the lips. Wow! He's home! We both cheered like giggly kids. Well, he's a kid all right, I just look like one. Whoops. Hahaha. God, I missed him so much that I treated him out to Jollibee without blinking. "Thank you Auntie Chala. Bukas Gateway naman ha?" I said ok but I can only take him there on weekends, he agreed with "Okay!" Wah...he's so cute! Weltsch is really gonna miss him to bits. And Ethan would miss him just the same and would constantly pester me with this question: "Hindi mo na ba sila kaibigan? Bakit hindi mo na pinapapunta dito at di na nagdadala ng donuts?" I know he's somewhat just after the donuts and perks, but heck - like I said, I just look like a kid. There's so much more that I'd be missing.

quote

2006-07-17T08:29:00.000+08:00

"Right now, the only possible thing is that we would be poles apart and I would be lost in my cage for as long as I'm not betting off my cards - my life - for the thing I wanted most. "

-Sarj

To view my private entry from which I extracted the words above, go to: secrets

do i really need an answer?

2006-07-12T06:35:00.000+08:00

After work, Kelly and I went to the bookstore again, just to let the little red book spit out some answer - or some kind. Actually, it was called "The Book of Answers", we spotted it among the pile of books on sale and so that's how we started having fun fumbling with it. It's not that all answers are proverbial or convincing enough that I'd actually freak out and follow what it says. But one answer (rather statement) caught me spinning: "It's bound to last". I got it four times as a reply to my almost identical queries (uhm, musings?). What are the odds? This is a trick, I thought to myself. But still, it somehow lurched a dawdling smile across my face. I don't know if it might be true. All i know is that I want to knock my head off of wishful thinking and quit half-hoping. Really, what is bound to last? Is it our friendship? my love life? the endless nights of misery? the days of waiting? what? It's not fair! I should have asked this: How can I have both night and day? How can I feel the rain trickling down my face without getting wet? How can I look up at the sun forever without hurting my eyes? Of course no one knows how and neither do I - for it is, something that never happens.

Anyway, shift mood.

Yesterday, while I was waiting for a bus outside Robinson's, the vendors found an umbrella lying along the sidewalk. Then they thought to dispose it by bargaining it for 50 bucks. The other guy started shouting "Payong!Payong!50 lang!bago pa!" I was looking at the umbrella, it's new and still has a price tag on it that reads 350 bucks. I wanted to buy it (as in), but still a little apprehensive. I was thinking that maybe it was just a trick, that as soon as I got my wallet out of my bag, one of them might grab it from me and blast on. So I said, no I'm not going to do that. Until someone bought the umbrella and those 3 vendors jumped happily. I felt guilty. I don't know why. I guess I was feeling bad that I didn't get it for myself and worse when I turned them into scumbag snatchers in my mind. Grr. How can I practice non-judgemental judging? Anyway, there's another scene that struck me. They divided their earnings (at talagang nagoobserve ako, diba?haha), 20 for the one who were able to sell it(let's call him X) . Another 20 for the one who found it (this one is X2). And 10 pesos for the one who urged them to deal it(of course, X3). X3 turned to X2 and said, "Akin na 10 piso mo, bili nating yosi." X2 hestited and gave 5 pesos to X3, "Sige, sayo na lang." X3 replied, "Pano ikaw?Ayaw mo? Sige." X2 shook his head, "Papambili ko na lang fishball to. Kanina pa ako nagugutom eh. Pagkain na lang."

Aww...nalungkot na lang ako bigla. Although I'm certain that I was already starving then, I know it was nothing compared to their rumbling stomach they endured probably the whole day. Oh man, I felt bad. Nakakasar noh? It's a disappointing and surging reality that everywhere you look, it seems like you can't do anything more.

sighs and heavier sighs

2006-07-08T10:54:00.001+08:00

Is it because it started raining when I was about to get ready for home? Or the hangover I got from watching heavy drama last night (f.y.i.: MMK's episode really made the tears drained out of me)? Hay, I couldn't help it. I am a sucker for melancholic mood. But right now, I'm not digging it. And "that song" is in my head again. Well, you know what? When my Korean students asked me to teach them an English song (doesn't matter if it's OPM), that was the first song I thought about. Well, I actually sang it to them (yeah, i know my voice sucks in the morning.haha) with matching feelings. Haha. It never fails,never - not once, to make me laugh everytime I think about it. Aww... I miss my super sweet students. Anyway, one of them e-mailed me a week ago. Told me about school and everything and asked how I was doing. Mind you, it took a lot of guts and real effort to write a long letter like that when you are a beginner in a foreign language. And I should say she's improving. Constantly exchanging letters helped her I guess. :) So there, back to her letter, she ended it with:

(In verbatim)"I wonder how you're doing. I miss everything there, especially you. And sometimes, when I miss you, I sing the song "*** **** ** **" and it's really sad."

Magaling na diba? Leche, pinaalala na naman sa akin.

I really miss everyone. I miss my buddies. My bestfriends. My dormates. My Lola. My closest cousin who's already getting married. My tambayan. Robinson's Metro East. Riverbanks. Cello's Donuts. Espana-Cubao FX. Ateneo. UST. Aling Cely's. Bingkay's. LAdies Dorm. Intramuros. Tomato Face. Everyone. Everything.

*sigh*

Happy happy joy joy!hehe

2006-07-07T16:56:00.000+08:00

07072006(022)
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

Hours of working extension, mishaps, laughters, cam-whoring and all that consisted of 3 hours being away from our beloved(sus) work stations is definitely worth it . :D Yeah, if i didn't get stuffed, i wouldn't have said that. Nyahaha.

So what can i say? it was a super blast! Hehe.

Ok lang nagbreak tayo, articles na lang naman tira sa akin!haha. In fairness, hindi ako pinahirapan sa divs ngayon, Joni! =p

Happy birthday Romzkee, Reah and Rhiz! Cheers! To us! haha.

2006-07-06T17:40:00.000+08:00

When I can't even think of a title for my entry, that means i'm feeling beyond exhaustion. Grr. I just finished that template with tons of div tags. I hate it, but it's somewhat fulfilling after all that hard work. So much for being "oc-oc". Now, i'm just recharging with my pro-depressant music pills. Whoa. You know how the feeling of mixed sadness and happiness could bring out a very dramatic effect to my existence. Haha.

"If I have to live my life without you near me..."

Nyay. Sige, no more sad stories for today. :)

rock copy

2006-07-05T16:45:00.000+08:00

rock copy
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

i love this. :D

Into deep shit

2006-07-04T08:50:00.000+08:00

Is this where I should really end up in? A mixture of pain and hapiness. Bitterness and sweetness. Sense of loss and sense of completeness. Emptiness and elatedness.

When there's an upsetting situation or unexpected problem, don't just treat the symptoms. Placating someone to keep them happy for a little while isn't the right answer.

BACKTRACK:

July 1st:

Moment froze. Finally had our picture taken together. Everything went well, except that we weren't able to watch Superman with Ethan because he's impatient to wait until 10:50 p.m.(the last available screening for the day). We waste away playing at Timezone instead. The day was really a swell, though I've spent so much moolah. But heck, that's okay. This doesn't happen everyday, so why would I go scrimping? A 14-hour hang out-thon is just what I've missed and will miss. Have you ever went out on a date (friendly or whatever) that extends up to 18 hours consisting of emotional wee-hour talks, nocturnal walks, non-stop eating and endless blubbering? That time when you actually traded getting enough sleep to get enough of the moment that you're afraid to suddenly pop out? Hay...I couldn't stop smiling even as I got in the sack.

July 2nd:

I gotta admit, I got knocked down a few times while watching Superman. Hey, it's not because it was boring or anything. It's good and I was just exhausted. Plus, I wanted to annoy the person beside me when he sees me powernapping. We were cool. We watched Pacman's boxing bout together. Went to mass together. But that time, he was already getting into my nerves. I know he was just trying to tease me by peeking at my phone and trying to read my messages. It usually doesn't irritate me, but that time my blood was starting to heat up. I gave him back the phone without my sim card in it. So there, no phone for tonight (a mistake). Yeah, nainis na rin siya. We didn't talk until we finished munching our wham burgers and fries. Not a word until we get to Eastwood for the movie. I was getting really bored and resorted to pour it out on the KTV. Of course, even if I didn't want him to come along with me...he sat beside me while I was scanning the songbook. As usual, I broke the ice.

ME: Kakanta ka?
>Hindi.
Me: If you're gonna stay here, kelangan mong kumanta. Ayan, mamili ka (handed him the song book)
>Hindi nga ako kakanta. Pero sige, akin na...pipilian na lang kitang kanta. Pero ikaw lang.
Me: *rolled eyes* KJ mo naman.sige, tayong dalawa na lang?
>Sige.( I know he was just saying this to make me stop insisting.)
Me: (moved closer and smiled at him). I'm sorry. Sorry kung masungit ako. Suplado mo naman kasi e. *hug* tama na ha?
>*hugged back* Oo, wag na mainitin ang ulo ha?
Me: *nodded* (singing)

Well...di nya rin ako sinabayan. He cheered for me alright. Hay...now this reminded me of someone. I didn't have fun.

Then again, another misunderstanding until we got in the cinema. I didn't try to talk nor look at him. Wala pang cheesy part sa Superman, naiiyak na ako e. Harhar.

Well, we settled down things before he walked away from my doorstep. I felt lighter, but still a bit disappointed (in myself?).

July 3rd:

THE POWERPUNCH left me bleeding for a while. Nursed my wounds and got up again. Feeling more calloused than those times now behind me.

Then...

Early morning this day, I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. I was stoic. I was dramatic. I was aching numb. I was terrible.

And...I almost died.

Pick a single card and...

2006-07-01T10:40:00.001+08:00

Voila!

Two of Wands

Briefly: Time to consider a new move in your life that will make big changes to your existing living arrangements.

Full Reading: This card shows a man with part of his back to us and he is holding a staff in one hand and a globe of the world in the other and is looking out towards a distant mountain. He appears to be studious and in deep concentration. He may be seriously considering his future. He is tall and well built and wears a helmet for protection and a cloak for warmth. This can suggest that you are about to consider a new move in your life that will make big changes to your existing living arrangements. You may actually uproot yourself and move to another country, another state or another town. Your job is obviously undergoing some kind of transformation and you may be breaking new ground with some new endeavour. This will require your time, your patience and your strong belief in yourself that you can do anything you set out to do. You could be presented with a rather unique opportunity that leads you on to pursue your wildest dreams. Or you may have developed your own vision or idea and be in the process of bringing this all to fruition by your very own hands. Don't let others sidetrack you at this stage, for you are vulnerable to suggestion and may listen to some bad advice or discouragement. Trust in your own wisdom and you will ultimately have the last laugh.

Ahem. Naman, Kelly. Makahulugan ba talaga to? Hahaha *sarcastic*

=()

2006-06-23T16:09:00.000+08:00

How can I find something
That two can take
Without stumbling as we
Walk into our futures wake
I'm like a broken record
That you can play
Repeating as if it matters
Everything I want to say
I'll be all right

As long as it matters
As long as youre here with me now
Forget that time
Its nothing we touch and see
All this is fine
Even as it crashes down on me
I'm looking around
There's nothing that I could want
More than to tell you
There's no more than we’ve already got
I'll be all right
As long as it matters
As long as you’re here with me now...
Forget that our time is almost up
Ill be all right...

How could fate trick you into thinking that something beyond what you can imagine can actually happen? I don't like connecting the dots. I don't like any trivial analysis. I don't like wondering. I don't like how my mind works and turns into a spelunker trying to dig up thoughts that are forbidden. Ugh, this could be verbosely insignificant for all you know. But who knows? Screw these thoughts. Well, he's probably right, all this pondering on phenomenal happenings won't do any good. Yeah, I might as well hate it too.

Fate + Time = complexities of life.

endless hoping. wishful thinking. excruciating journey.

If it was fate who brought him into my life and shove him out of it...then why does fate still keeps me hanging? What are all these signs about? Life is a whore. ARgh. Does everything really have to be appear logical to me? I need a good reason for something that i can't even define. Again, I would anchor on fate to gather the pieces for me.

I know what's worse than dying . It's watching someone you love die. You know they'd be around for a certain period of time. You know they'd be gone soon. There's nothing left to do anymore, but to enjoy the days with them. But how could you cheer yourself up when you know that you're headed for a sad ending? Somehow losing a great possession gives you a distinctive sense of freedom. It's like you are no longer afraid to give anything away for fear of not getting it back to yourself.

I cried when I lost my dog. I cried when I slipped from the fence I was climbing. I cried when the big black rats wolfed down my 10 cute hamsters and when my ancient pagong crushed my imported african turtle. Hahaha! (time to laugh).

Hay...ang sakit talagang mamatayan, diba? Ayoko nang mamatayan pa uli.

the night is now just a lingering memory

2006-06-02T05:46:00.001+08:00

I know i've probably posted the complete lyrics of this one...but, anyway... reminiscing has been a part of my daily routine so you have no choice but to take it in again. Sorry.

"sadder star.
she holds the world in her fingertips,
all the joy and all the pain.
she only has to close her eyes and open them again,
to find out what is good and what is true...
and what remains."

just listening to that line makes me mutter, "ouch!"

totally floored

2006-06-01T05:45:00.000+08:00

At this rate, I can say that I've already lost my enthusiasm to rant. Err… I just wanna keep on bitching until the daylights hit the "bwitch" out of me. I was scouring eBay for fab finds before I started blogging (again), and there's not one single product that nudged my interest. Is it because I'm not really fond of shopping, I don't like spending money on myself or I just can't find what I want? Well, I'm actually looking for a golden retriever puppy on sale. Hehehe. Damn, high maintenance possession!

In reply to Kelly's supposedly tautological statement…err..question? (What woman will say no to shopping?) I should say that the only time I actually find shopping therapeutic is when somebody shops for me. Hahaha. Let me also add, I actually avoid shopping like the plague except when I really, really need to get something or when I've set my eyes on a footwear or top. Even my brothers find it funny. Well, don't you? I'd much rather prefer eating all day and watching movies. Told ya, I’m one of the boys. One reason why I love tagging along with my brothers when they shop or go out? They always let me eat whatever and wherever I want! Why would I ever wear myself out for nothing? No way!

The twisted part:

I love shopping for gifts. That’s what makes me feel good. That's more satisfying to me. O diba? I go scrimping on myself because I want to save up to be able to give my loved ones precious gifts. And usually, I like it better when I shop alone (but not when my Mom or best friend is around). Weird huh? I just don’t like it when people tell me what looks good or doesn't. It really affects (doubt!) my judgment. And that's not a good thing.

Anyway….

I’m done with everything here. I wanna go home and sink in my bed. So I could….catch some shut-eye!

Gotta go! :)

grrr.....

2006-06-01T04:45:00.000+08:00

Oh I hate blogger!!!

Enraged silence.

nearing the crossroads....

2006-05-31T04:52:00.000+08:00

z.
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

....with dead ends.

Realizations:

WHEN YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND....
*the reason why some people refuse to give you a favor is because they're thinking..."what is your boyfriend doing? or what's the use of having him around?" Like,they always expect your boyfriend to be always be there whenever you need a ride home or you're running out of gimik funds. or...when you just need someone to serve as your sponge.

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE ALONE....
*most of the time, you're just out of your mind. Moron!

WHEN YOU WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN...
*it never does.

WHEN YOUR HEART TELLS YOU ONE THING...
*your mind tells it to shut up.

WHEN LIFE TAKES AWAY...
*it's nothing but, cruel.

WHEN LIFE GIVES...
*you barely appreciate it.

WHEN YOU CRY...
*it's always about (remembering)unhappy thoughts. there's no such thing as tears of joy. YOu cry because of overwhelming happiness? truth is,you cry because you've thought of the times when even smiling seemed impossible.

WHEN YOU LOSE...
*you never lose the courage to try. you simply wait for the right timing to strike again.

##

I always keep my promises...unless you vehemently tell to me break it.

##

Can you believe this guy?

Telling me directly to break up with my boyfriend because he wants us to be together? Is he out of his mind?? Well, i'm convinced that he is. How about you? Dig this, he even told me that it was okay for him to be the number two, if only he'd get to have me. Ugh. ULOL! I admit, I liked him before...and that was 5 years ago for crying out loud! The thing is, I still hate his guts! Unbelievable! It didn't make much difference now...he still suck at making a pass. =p

where's my luck?

2006-05-27T10:14:00.000+08:00

Ahem. So, how do you like my blog's total makeover? I'm almost done with everything here, except for some additional touch ups. Nice. =) I think this is simpler than the other one, no blowing bubbles and no dark impression. But admit it, you actually thought I turned suicidal when I picked this skin, huh? Hahaha...

It's just the recorder-like buttons that got me. And of course, the plain and boring colors that I absolutely adore : white, black and gray. Err... must it be the harmful sun rays?

Argh! *cursing Blogger* Dare to crash down again and i'll....CRY! Even my mobile phone went dead when I was sending a message. Maybe it's telling me to stay away from techy stuff today.

--->IS THAT RIGHT? PRETTY MUCH SURE? CORRECT? --- Oops. Where the hell did that come from? This MOWnarch girls has been getting into my nerves all week! But, I couldn't imagine morning musings in the office without hearing them spitting their scripts with their famous "p for fayfer" line. I'd surely miss secretly giggling with my hand on my stomach that almost always hurts. Man, its effect on me is kind of electrifying. The lazy bug bolts out of me instantly as soon as I hear them chat away in unison. Swear. Wahh... mukhang ayokong mag GY next week. Should I pass it up until the week after the next? Oh, I don't know. I'm outta here. A demain!

Say what?

2006-05-26T07:05:00.000+08:00

You wouldn't believe what happened to me yesterday. Well, I had my second encounter with a gung-ho "horndog" (as Weltsch would like to call "it"). I caught him touching me and I didn't let the chance go of beating him up to bleed unlike the first time when I got so shocked to react. I didn't actually inflict much pain on him (sa lagay na yun) as what I intended. I wish I had poked his eyes with my pen. If I had a knife, I would have stabbed him. Really. It wasn't the first time that I went screaming mad. Definitely not the first time that I was thristing to kill someone and slash off his balls. It was only right to direct the limelight towards him. By the look on his face, I guess he's used to it. Nevertheless, it was the rush of relief that I needed and the satisfaction of finally being able to do what is right. What a worthless piece of shit.

So I resolved it by taking the cab every morning. Not because I think it's safer but I because I wouldn't have to deal with a multitude of psychopaths. God, the thought of it still makes me shiver. *shekitoff*

Whoa. Surprise! Surprise! I'll see him again. :) An instant flash of smile. A brigthened mood. And a pair of burning cheeks. Sheesh. =p

-the habit-

2006-05-24T10:29:00.000+08:00

I’m still thinking about my friend and I still can’t imagine how miserable her life could get. Carrying a 2-month old child, working on a graveyard shift, looking for a place to stay and with a pathological two-timing boyfriend. Beat that? I wish I could really lend her enough money to at least alleviate her burden and be able to take care of her health. But… *sigh* I feel so helpless. I wish she’d text me and let me know what’s happening with her, but she’s been silent for days now. I wonder what’s up.

Anyway, I ate eye cream for breakfast and since I, err… OVERSLEPT, I was running late to the office this morning. I went home energy drained yesterday, and I still got the time to text until hmm, 12am? My Mom almost whipped my ass when I kept refusing to give in to sleep. Well, I saw the result today. I came in late. It’s not that tardiness has been a big deal to me, but it’s important for me not to slack off with my job – at least, until I finally get to adjust. Haha! Darn, I’m ravenous. I could eat a donkey. Do we have that here?

Oh well, last night was….

HURTING.

I tried to sleep… I couldn’t. I was forced to deal with pain.

BUZZ!

2006-05-19T20:13:00.000+08:00

what a klutz. f***!

I hope this blogger window won't close again...or else, this would be the forth time it it would fail me. *fingers crossed*

*knocking the side of my head*

This is the last day of my first week on my new job and so far, i'm loving it (Mc do!hehe)... well,except for the occasional migraine before going to the office (that I can handle), but it has nothing to do with my work. I've had it for months, years now... and I'm not really complaining. Swear. =P

Hey, some good thing happened! Since I started having this kind of working schedule (which is irregular, by the way), I think my insomnia has finally left me. Now I can only stay up to 2am max, but I still get up at 6 in the morning. I try to go back to sleep but my tummy always urges me to wolf down something...so you know what happens next. You know, stare at an invisible spot on the celing and make a wish (to let me finish dreaming). Hah!;p

Dreaming. Dream.

Oh yeah, I remember this dream I had last night. It was weird, as usual. Cd has an identical twin named Domeng(haha) and then there's Weltsch. I was forcing them to eat different kinds of fried, humongous, monstrous fishes. You'll probably throw up at the sight of it. You'll instantly get satiated. Eeeww...Gross. Yuck. Digusting. Ha-ha-ha. Anyway, they didn't eat it. Not what I expected. Because in reality, they munch on just about anything. =p

So as I finally rose in full wakefulness... the memory of that dream slowly made me feel like a loser.

well, only losers win.

after all, letting go a part of yourself is a noble thing.

after loading up with pasta pesto,calamares,iced tea,beer and the endless schmoose...

2006-04-28T13:28:00.000+08:00

s2
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

...i conclude that, I still look good!hahaha.(ang kumontra,insecure!)

it's always great spending time with people you really care about and care about you the same way. :) Hay, ghi...the only omen thing there is that you didn't let a drop of beer go down your throat!darn you! Nagmukha tuloy akong nag-momoments dun.Hehehe. Funny thing is, you're the one who's pouring out and not me. Anyway, we're both schizzed out so it doesn't matter. Next time, I'd be heading home bound and drink with ya there!

...but, my tummy is getting "healthy" gaining a little flab each time. Wah... Is this an indication that I'm spending too much time eating and lazing around? Does this mean that I have to give up Wham burgers, humongous banana split, draft and strong ice beer, 2 servings of rice every meal, midnight ricemix snacks, morning chocolate cake, doses of peanut packs, my favorite pan de leche, junk food, nachos, pizza while chugging beer, smoothies, oreo cheescake and a pint of pistachio choco ice cream?! Wahhh... I can't live with that!Never! Maybe I'd just have to sweat it out at the gym and start adding a tinge of spice in my meals so I won't overeat (to curb my appetite). Hmmm....kulang lang ako sa exercise!Tama?! Now that I have much time to waste, I'd hit the beach na lang! or...enroll in an aqua kickboxing class. wahaha...who wants to join me?! Give me a ring.ok? (seryoso ako!).

...I guess i didn't care much about the paunch this summer because I don't have plans to sport around bikinis this time. Later this year na lang. Bwahaha.:P

Oh well, I just found out that the word "schnook" actually has a meaning and is in the dictionary!bwahaha... It literally means stupid. Hehe... Well, I call my brother "shnuk" from his pet name (that i also gave)"Bushnok". I shortened it so there comes SHNUK!Haha...Oh, he's stupid at times so I don't think he would mind....well, not until he finds out!haha...But I don't think that he'd suspect it means something. :)

i've been hit

2006-04-20T17:14:00.000+08:00

there's nothing in the world that i wanna do now than to burst into tears.

why do i feel this way everytime i'm reading the rants and raves of people? Wether I'm absorbing the sentiments of the world or the ecstatic moments of those around me, I'm always feeling more or less..like this. I can't describe it. But it's the kind feeling that you get when you just wanna die.

*shrink*

[.]

...reducing to a dot.

so sick of love songs talaga!

2006-04-01T12:20:00.000+08:00

i'm super sick of everything. save me again from this malady...before i end up hating myself.

my hobby "at the moment":

self-deprecation
self-humilation
self-destructionco
self-pity

...at bakit ba ayaw akong tantanan ng mga love songs na yan? di naman ako "masyadong" nakaka-relate...but why am i so fucking overreacting?!

at first i thought this wasn't depression. but it was, and still is.

ganito pala madepress.

i act normally naman...i just don't think in the "now". i'm off the tip.

pre-dukot snaps

2006-03-27T11:38:00.000+08:00

s1
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

before going to rockwell in day 1...
that halo-halong kalye is a must-grab!

dinner time

2006-03-27T11:37:00.000+08:00

Image004
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

dinner at frio!burp!

s2

2006-03-27T11:35:00.000+08:00

s2
Originally uploaded by lachrymose.

time to scour the malls!everyone stops and looks at us everytime me pose for a picture.hehe..

lightning strikes me down again

2006-03-23T10:37:00.000+08:00

...totally electrified to move.

heto na...my anthem is starting to burn in my ears. Whoa, i feel much like an idiot than a fabulous chic.Ahem.:)

My mom keeps nudging me and telling me to "See the signs" and then smiles at me...as if it's some phantasmagorical phrase that could change my life forever IF I'm so keen to notice. Argh. Maybe she always hears me blabbing about signs signs and all that. Well, before this month kicked off, I asked God to give me a sign (to let me know the right time to move) and a week after I prayed so hard...I saw it - in the most unlikely place; like it was intentionally placed right in front of me to see.

Okay...for those of you wondering what sign I asked for: I asked to give me a sign through a dove (the number should be above two). It doesn't even have to be real. God could have given me a figurine, picture or whatever. But on the Friday morning, while walking back to my house,these 3 doves crossed the street coming from my left side. The houses along that street almost resemble slum-type scraps of a home...Well, now I could imagine doves living in there. But people actually having doves to feed? I don't know...Basta, at that point I haven't realized the sign until I got home and screamed "I saw the sign!" Hahaha... So, hopeful was I.

And...until now, I'm still not getting what I've asked for even if I'm doing everything with much exerted and superhuman effort. Argh. Please grant me patience. Patience please. Oh darn, BELIEVE.

Oh man, I've never ever cried for my dreams. Never. I could let go of my tears now, but not my dreams. It's too early to give up.

In a private conversation, I told someone: "I just wanna stop the routine of waking up each day feeling like my life is in stagnancy and wondering how to inch my way to my dreams."

I mean, dreams give me hope. I wanna do everything, but I don't have everything I need to sustain myself with fuel to keep up.

Words to live by:
"Don't believe in your doubts and never doubt your beliefs.Life is wonderful if you know how to live."

Thanks to Samurai for that. ;p

Gotta fix myself.:)

waking half-dead

2006-03-07T12:24:00.000+08:00

I've decided not to renew the registration for my tag board...to have another tag board.If you have anything to react about or say to me, you can always drop a line to my comments page. That will at least let me know that I actually have readers (an audience). But somehow the feeling of being unnoticed is turning out to be a good one for me.

"The worst way to die is to be ignored" I'm not sure who said this line, but it sure left a good note in my head... I picked it up ages ago, and I still remember.

Grr. If I asked you to kill me, could please just ignore me? :)

I remember what I told *bleep* last night:

"Pwede bang tigilan mo na ako? wag mo na akong kakausapin pa...wag mo akong tatawagan o i-te-text...basta, wag kang gumawa ng kahit ano para hindi ako masyadong mahirapan. If ever I coudn't help myself and I sent you a message out of impulse, ignore it. Wag mo akong replyan. Dahil, pagnarereply ka...nawawala galit ko at nagiging okay ako."

(how could i be more stupid? I shouldn't have said that last line.)

I think it's easier to walk away if you have a strong feeling of anger or hate or simply "inis" towards the other person. Pag ganon kasi, nawawalan ka ng reason para mag hold on...right? But just one word from that special person, melts everything away... I know that if you really want to hang on, nothing will stop you from doing so. And if you wanna let go, you will look for all the reason in the world to loosen that grip.

iwan mo man yan, di ka magiging masaya dahil kakainin ka ng galit...at hindi sa taong yun,kundi galit sa sarili mo. Dahil di mo alam kung ano ang dapat at hindi dapat. Ang tama at mali.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-------------------------------->change topic

I dreamt that I tear up a page (that page) in my journal and gave it to "Disease" (ahahaha...this is the first time I laughed in 2 days.Okay, disease would be his name.how on earth was i able to come up with that one?)and screamed at him. Well, i couldn't remember what I said. But my face was full of emotion. My dream was in sepia color. Ganda nga ng effect e. Hay...ka kulay nung mga pictures na nahanap ko sa baul.;p

spit on the face

2006-02-23T13:26:00.000+08:00

i got it...
finally knew what it meant.
and it hurts...
should it really hurt this way?
(nagmukha pa kong tanga sa sarili ko)

but i'm still hoping that i actually just misunderstood everything.

it's one of those bittersweet days

2006-02-01T11:22:00.000+08:00

"...malabboooo...na ba ang linya sa ating dalawa? helloooo...gising ka pa kaya?"
i'm listening to the song over and over again until not a single tune gets left behind my mind except this one.haha...i'll teach my students this song.they're gonna love it (no,not the song) when i start crooning and screaming to their ears.hahaha... aww, approximately just 20 more days and they'll be out of my sight. BUt I don't want to!wahhh...ang hirap ma-attach talaga.well,kung malungkot man ako..kasalanan ko na yun.i had let myself feel this sort of fondness towards them and I don't know any other way to stop it. Again, i love kids. they're just irresistable.:) Leche, I'm getting all wrapped up in sadness already. I just had my last day with one of my students, and parting was really the hardest. Fuck, when will helplessness move past me? Right from the start, I knew that this was not going to last...but knowing that makes me enjoy and make the most out of every minute. I was giving a piece of me to them each day and vice versa. All those times we spent talking and hanging around were the highlights. There was no place for boredom. Everything was so fun. Hay...ganon naman talaga dapat diba? When I'm with a person I always see to it that they'd have a good time with me. I don't want to see anyone sulking. I always want to seal the moment with a smile.

Argh. I'm surely gonna miss them..so much. Hay, they're never that far.
I'll see you in the next twilight and it wouldn't be just your imagination.

...emit htn eht rof gnisol

2006-01-22T18:59:00.000+08:00

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."-Margaret Mitchell

Have you ever felt so broken even once in your life? You don't know what's keeping you from being whole or what's stopping you from putting yourself together... Something hinders your every action and drops you to zero again... and somehow, you have this slight inkling that it may be just...yourself.

Lintek.Ang gulo!

"In this world of change, nothing which comes stays, and nothing which goes is lost."

Losing is not a skill... :(

words are not enough

2006-01-21T12:30:00.000+08:00

I remember my friend Mickey saying,"you're always full of thoughts" when we still used to talk. I'm always thinking. I think too much. My mind goes on forever even when I'm talking or sleeping. Hehehe. I love stressing myself out until I get all mentally used up. So, don't wonder if I say strange and off topic stuff..don't conclude that it's just my way of changing the subject.=p anyway....what else?

oh yeah, i love my job! I love teaching kids even if it gets head-splitting most of the time. I still find it very rewarding even if I work until 7pm. I just wanna be with those kids. Feed them and play with them. Yeah, i bring them food everyday! It's nice to share it with all those gobblers! I feel good really. They're also my stress relievers. Antok lang talaga ang kalaban ko in between classes. Ayaw ko pa naman nabibitin ang powernaps ko. Hehe. Anyway, they are very nice. They give me food such as candies and "karettog" and korean air pens.:p Syempre, di mo na rin maiaalis ang pagkamakulit ng mga yun, but it's tolerable. As if I'm not makulit myself, sa akin pa nga sumusuko e. :P Hay...I could imagine myself having kids and pampering them. I think I can handle that. Mahal ko na nga mga yun e...as in. I'm surely gonna be sad when they'd be going back to school this March. I don't think I would renew my contract by March. Hay...ang sweet, tripper, and cool nila!:D Unlike my former work which was also short-lived, I wanted to give up on the first week already. But in my current work, I'm looking forward to each day. Hay...nageenjoy talaga ako.:) Be happy for me!:P

cul-de-sac

2006-01-07T18:29:00.000+08:00

Life has sent me crashing again after a whirlwind romance..that, well, never lasted.
There's only one thing that doesn't hurt...my teeth. I'm not getting enough sweets.

"You may rip your stitches. But it's better (to run) than dying."

How many times have I told myself that? Over 20 for the past 5 days being caged in isolation. I've been rocking my head back and forth, left to right (or was i shaking it?i don't know!)...thinking what to do.thinking what i COULD do. Honestly, each time I do that, I feel like half of me is being taken somewhere insanely overcast with desperate gloom. And it feels different. As if I could leave this other part of me there adn stay forever. Uhuh. You don't have to say it. I'm psychoneurotic in a way. Part of my reality is a dream and vice versa. Argh. Now I'd stop saying things like this for fear of being accused ignorant with what i'm talking about...when as a matter of fact, I'm not. It's just that all this shit is beyond me and I have no time to waste explaining it. Capice?

Who says that I've never been rejected, dissed, ditched, dumped...ever?! Who says that I've always been adored, praised, wanted, loved?... I've always been disappointed all these years. Frustrated, despondent, forlorn... All because I keep asking one question... When will this LIFE ever learn to love me? I know I shouldn't be complaining, but that's being human. You always tend to complain. And to complain some more.

Hay...

"I always wonder why you can't have everything,or at least give everything."

gliding like a paper plane

2005-11-19T15:46:00.000+08:00

Fifteen minutes before i stop everything i'm doing related to my job.Hehe.Usually, my "officemates" leave earlier than I because we don't have the same schedule. So, that means I have the lower ground all to myself from 3pm onwards. I bail out at 5pm. If there should be a time when I'd be fetched, i'd be staying 'til 6 pm to wait for Schatzie. Oh anyway, I'm okay as long as my "allergen" ain't around. Hehe.

Can you just imagine that a girl actually blubbered like a baby about "some issues" she had on my first day?! Oh my God! Please keep me away from all these insecure people!!! Sorry, i won't kiss her an-an studded ass. Bwahaha! Sabihan ba naman ako ng, "Don't think that you're a better and more experienced writer than I just because..." (oopss,di nya pala naituloy). I was listening and I was ready to yank the clump of her hair off her scalp. Bakit ba naman kasi ako inawat eh!? She also gave lines like, "We're not here to outsmart anyone. All the while I thought we're a team" and "Next time, please keep your comments to yourself, okay?" Now, where's the team spirit she's talking about?Haha. ULUL! Could she even hear herself talking? I could have laughed at her pug-like face...but since I'm not that harsh. I just turned my back away from her. Not even worth my time. :)

Goooosssseeee fffrrrraaaabbbbaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!! Shout it out!

Okay, that's better.

Anyway, just to sprinkle some info, she smiled at me before she left and said "Bye, una na kami." Nyay, so are we friends now?!Hahaha. Guts. Guts. Guts. Isn't she watching Smallville? Never wound a thing you cannot kill. :)

The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough.

Breathe. Smile. Walk away.

huddle please

2005-11-13T19:37:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna let you in on a secret...
*in a hushed voice*i'm gonna...
...start to working next week!!!
wahhh...did i just scream?!hahahaha...c'mon,give me some lovin'!hahaha

now everyone knows that imma make myself busy this time.hopefully, i won't get overworked.:) that's my third wish coming true. nyay!i got accepted on the day of the interview and i was given the weekened to think things over...so i've just decided, "yeah..why not give it a try?" i called them up and said I've made up my mind and asked when would i start. All set, tuesday's gonna be my first day at work. It's a new outsourcing company (they've been operating for over a year now.still a neophtye,right?)located in Cubao. And it's just one and 15-min ride away from home (heavy traffic inclusive.haha). I get to choose my own fixed schedule (it's not flexi time,though), to work only 7 hours plus a paid 1-hour lunch break(=8 hours) but 6 days a week, to eat anytime I want, have my own personalized PC, and a one week trial to see if I really want to stay for good! Ain't that cool? :)

...but things are really weirding me out lately. I can't block it off my mind. I kept wondering..."are these things really happening to me?" Pinch me.

Look here:

Last wednesday, I woke up at the wrong side of the bed with my head throbbing, an exasperating text message and a breakfast that tastes bad (or I just hadn't brushed my teeth?I can;t remember). I was screaming and bitching to the heavens about how i badly i want to work to get few extra bucks JUST for Christmas shopping and how bored i am waking up every morning waiting for something to bob up. And I did I really think that the Job i want would come to me! Mom was telling me to relax and not to stress out myself too much. As i was about to say another word, the phone rang. I answered it. It was a call from a certain e-commerce company in Makati, inviting me for an interview the next day. I thought it was just a hoax and I didn't even hear her mention my name because of her tiny voice, so I asked who she wanted to talk to and if it was me.She said SARAH MARIE MALANYAON. Yeah that was me. But I couldn't remember applying in that company and with that position. She said they read my CV/profile over Jobstreet and took the chance to call me. Basta, before I went there, I've already asked tons of questions and found out that the company really exists.Haha.

As i hung up, there's another ring and a beep from my celphone. Voila! It's another interview on friday....

after much deliberation, I chose the latter. The former still asked me to wait for their call next week. But that thursday, it felt like an orientation. They're already introducing me to the staff and how the work gets done around there. The boss was telling me, "there's where you will stay (pointing at the desk) and michelle will help you out. I'm sure you'll love this job if you love going out and shopping" and all other things that suggests...you're gonna be part of us. Siyempre, for formalities, they have to do a background check whatever. I couldn't explain the business, but it's a pure business thingy. I don't have to write, just PR skills. It's like a philippine-based amazon and ebay (an online shopping thingy...hay,they're really friendly...but i told myself in the elevator, on my way to the exit, "whichever comes first"...so that's basically the reason why I chose the other one plus it's near the house and their monthly salary is the same. Makakatipid ako pag mas malapit,diba?:)

Oh...so ayun,that's not even half of my chika-galore but that's all I can yak about for now.Hehe...

Hay, i'm like a melting piece of ice cube.

be careful what you wish for...

2005-11-10T13:11:00.000+08:00

i was supposed to include a video in this site.but,if you're on dial-up, you won't see anything and it will take you a couple of minutes to open my page. so that won't be convenient for my beloved readers. wehhh.feeling sikat naman!hahaha....

i already had two wishes granted...oh no, what's next? I'm kinda worried you know...i don't know. Baka may kapalit and I'm too messed up to handle that. Hehe...

oh shit, i'm on call(ano ako?doctor?).hahaha....i'll tell you about it later or some other time,i guess.see yah!damn,just as i'm in the mood to spill...something comes up again!

still speechless

2005-11-08T16:28:00.000+08:00

after looking away, averting my gaze, gulping my mountain dew so i could stay staring down at it,laughing at manny paquiao's twin,and hiding my increasing uneasiness...maybe i could say it's over...and here's to fresh start... a final song to those days.

STARS-Switchfoot

Maybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same

I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast
And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone,
Everyone you looks so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself

Stars looking at a planet
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe to start to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

I've been thinking 'bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Begin to look like home

I've been thinking about everyone
Everyone you looks so empty
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself.
Yeah!

Everyone, Everyone feels so lonely
Everyone, yeah everyone feels so empty
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I feel like myself
When I look at the stars
The stars, I see someone...

My god, i still couldn't say a thing about it, not even in my more personal journal. Happiness and relief deadened my senses i guess...
Bail me out!
Baka magkamali na naman ako ng akala...mahirap na...

-blanko-

2005-10-25T11:32:00.000+08:00

I actually and intentionally banged my head against the wall...for a split second, i thought it broke in half. The drugs are acting up! Help!

J'ai pensé de lui encore, j'ai pensé je pourrais l'oublier.. mais, le plus j'évite la pensée pour garder ces mémoires à un lointain. ..the plus je le gravite vers. Je le manque.

get me these movies!

2005-10-10T16:11:00.000+08:00

1.Nowhere To Hide [Injang Sajong Polkot Opta]; by LEE Myung-Se
2. The Way Home~ Eul-boon Kim
3.Oldboy - Min-shik Choi
4.Cinema Paradiso-Enzo Cannavale
5.Life Is Beautiful-Robert Benigni
6.Il Postino
7.The Children of Heaven
8.The Elephant Man
9.City of God
10.The Twilight Samurai
11.C'est La Vie, Mon Cheri (it's a pure chinese movie with a french title.)
12.Blue Velvet-david lynch
13.Spirited Awat (japanese)
14.Se7en (brad pitt's movie in 1995)
15.Wild at Heart (nicholas cage)-david lynch
16.Mulholland Drive
17.Bread and Tulips
18.The Night of Shooting Stars
19.The Devil's Own and A River Runs Through It (brad pitt again)-robert redford
20.A moment to remember (korean)
21.Tae geuk gi (also korean)

for those who know where to find all these,please leave a message.:)

keep your eyes on the road.

2005-09-27T14:49:00.000+08:00

focus. or you might get killed.

"it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without even knowing what you're fighting for"-paolo coelho

perfect quote for the day!

i've had spent too much time watching foreign films last week. i've learned a few more phrases to add up to my very limited knowledge. hahaha...nagpapaka-linguist!

oh by the way, i already got my grade and certificate in French. You wouldn't believe this shit, but the record said I got an E for Excellent!hahaha. Di ko siya masyadong dinibdib ha. Nagdugo talaga utak ko dun sa 4th part e. I didn't know how I got it right. I just followed my gut-feel. And thank God for my habit of reading the french dictionary or any dictionary.=p oh well, mayabang na naman ako ngayon.Hihi.Vj treated me out as a reward. Foodtrip and booze night. Nyek. We're like kids.=)

but...on the way home...we had a huge fight. my happy moment got spoiled.so much for my uncontrollable emotional outrage.huh?!haha

that's life...what can i do?

2005-09-22T12:06:00.000+08:00

this is the first time that I've watched Meet Joe Black from start to end. I don't know, is it that embarrassing? I mean for a used-to-be-Brad-Pitt swooner like me? I still like him even at 41. but not that much anymore.hehe...Oh well, there's only one thing I can say...I loved it! and thank God!Brad Pitt is not the only reason.

I finally have a copy of Lifehouse's 2005 released album!whoopee!:) I wish I could post every lyric to my page...so just search it on my lyric search engine.hehe.or go to http://www.azlyrics.com/l/lifehouse.html Come Back Down, Into the Sun and Walking Away are my favorites. But I adore all of their songs! It just makes me sad everytime...you know, i'm an incorrigible masochist.

Hmmm....what else?

Oh yeah, last night he asked me..." If ever I decided to let you go for the sole reason that I believe he can make you happier, would you agree or not, would you (want to) be with him?"

I could have said "No,of course not." right away.... but it made me think and delay my answer a minute longer (i thought hours had passed). Ayoko kasi magsalita ng tapos at bumalik sa akin mga sinabi ko. It was never my style. So, finally I said...

"Of course not...i wouldn't agree with you because I'm happy with you and it would be a mistake to just accept your reason. But if the time comes when I feel that things i do with you are not making me happy anymore, I'd tell you...I don't know who I wanna be with after you (coz I'm not entertaining the thought), but whoever he is...he's lucky.and you'd be sorry for letting me go." I ended it with a laugh. I know he was just fishing. Maybe he didn't take it seriously. I don't know. He didn't say a word after that. Maybe he was pondering on the things I have said and wondering if there's some truth to it. I don't know. I followed it up with..."we are not gonna disappear into that corner,are we? we're going straight ahead.you and me." I meant it and I hope that made him feel better. Then he resumed on fishing information again as to how much I love him and whatnot.

--------->
Have you ever been tangled up into a texting blooper? Grabe, I was so stupid. I missent a text message to the person who shouldn't be reading anything like that...Ang gulo noh? But try to pick it up. I almost threw away my phone. What a blunder! I wouldn't even want to disclose the details. Bottomline is: I got a person hurt again...incidentally and unintentionally... Why am I so bothered myself? Because I care for this person and I wanna help *** out of the can as soon as possible.

Once again, guilty...

a week ago: in a nutshell

2005-09-12T11:04:00.000+08:00

No matter how perfect you seem to be to other people, someone is always out to get you to tell you that you're not good enough.

Whenever you struggle to be at your best and shoot for perfection with the things you do - no matter how minuscule - people expect more of you each time. It normally doesn't get me, but there's just this one person that's making it a real big thing. It's so hard to live up to the expectations of others, mind you - instead of attaining a solid sense of fulfillment, you become a victim of (your own) circumstance. A slave to manipulative minds. A mutatnt in a replusive world with all the inhumane ways to smother you. A stranger to your own.

---------------->

I'm still having the dizzying backlash of that terrible blow.

All the while I was thinking that it could only happen in movies...extreme emotions could really lead to temporary paralysis, chest tightening, and violent acidic spasms in your tummy that makes you wanna throw up. I was a zombie. No sense of direction; almost lifeless. I felt my heart banging against my chest like a rock with sharp and jagged edges. It felt as if it's bent on wriggling out. I know I was in pain. But I didn't feel any of this until I halted and fill my lungs with air ( I thought I really could have died.haha)...uhuh, i guess it's still an instinct to live. Draining my eyes, I started noticing where I was heading and decided to go back and continue living, despite the misery and squalor I'd still have to endure (for sure). I won't end the battle this way - not when everything you've got to lose is already mine. Now, Breathe.

It's easier to let go of the hurt, when you still hold on to something far more important than your grudges. Emancipate yourself from your bad blood.

----------------->

Grr, I'm making the wrong move again! Oh no. I've vowed to not let any guy get close to me again. And what is this? I don't want this one. (Nyak) I don't have any problem being nice or being rude at that, but I only give the person what they deserve. I try to be fair at all times. Although fairness is a concept that applies only to limited situations, things, individuals (?). But I should be avoiding things like this. I should be blocking them off. Tama! Everytime we'd talk about things we have in common, he'd say "Wow, pareho pala tayo" or whenever I say something he usually finds amusing, there's the Wow again plus "you're almost perfect na talaga.sayang" (bang!ayan na naman yang "perfect" na yan!ano ba kayo?!I'm not perfect!) yeah, one of those pick-up lines, huh? But you know, he's very transparent and he openly shares stories about his past relationships (that I don't even wanna know if it was up to me), views, life, ideal girl (thank God!it/she doesn't look like me). My bro tells me the same thing about him, too. Very open and honest. Oh well, they're friends. He seems really nice and all...but he's vulnerable. That's why I wanna keep him at a comfortable distance. I don't wanna create any deep seated connection between us and develop a sort of fondness for a guy friend. I don't wanna give myself hope that he would stay for always and in the end, a hard time pretending that our friendship never existed. In the end, it will always be me and the infinite expanse between our polarized worlds.

Maybe someday someone will fill the role of a male bestfriend in my life, but *sigh* maybe that already too much to ask..*heavier sigh*

-------------------->huh?

bringing back the colors

2005-09-07T13:19:00.000+08:00

I knew my friend Leeanne couldn't fight the guilt of keeping her silence for quite some time. I swallowed my pride to call her last week (although i hate bugging anyone to tag along when they don't have to be pushed to state the obvious) and told her that the barkada is missing her and to give me a ring whenever she feels like hanging out. I know some/most people find it therapeautic to spend some time alone and distance her/himself from the circle where they used to cave themselves in, so I don't really worry about those stuff. I didn't mean to make her feel guilty about anything but well, I got a call from her last Monday and said that we'd better go out the next day with almira and she's got lots of stories to spill. So I guess, I'm good at it. Radiating my emotions/pent-up feelings to others, rather to my target. Pretty succesful in making them feel what I'm feeling,huh? Haha... (only if I wanted to be understood,that is).

I don't know if it should be called, rekindling friendship. It's not. I'd simply call it...uhm, catching up. I know she'd come back. My intuitive self is highly developed. Bwahaha. I rarely get it wrong.

Maybe I should be a psychic. Whaddya think? I remember whenever I didn't wanna go to class and I would feel that I'd have to drag myself out of my room...and when my body insisted to get up and move, I'd find out that the prof won't be around. Wow, nice topic...I would love to share my psychic whodunits one time.:) For now, I gotta pass and get my ass outta here. Ciao!

more than just okay

2005-09-05T13:47:00.000+08:00

i can't say that my bitching days are finally over. in fact, i think there's still so much to rant about. i just don't wanna be at it again. no, not now...

i spent my sunday afternoon at home watching movies on dvd and playing tong-its with vj...oh yeah, we went to mass together with mom and gave into our childish cravings and ate at Brother's burger. Can you imagine we finished off our meals at the same time? OKay, maybe because my burger was smaller than his or maybe i was just famished. Yummy! When we got home, my tummy was begging for some food again. Hahaha! Grabe, takaw ko noh? So we sat down and fed Windstuck to the dvd player. He slept through the first half of the movie. I didn't wanna wake him, he looked so burned out. And I love watching him sleep and sniffing his scent. Maasim na baby!Hehe...You know although he's dripping with sweat, he still smells good. I mean, even when he doesn't have a perfume on. We're both a scent fetishist. He also has this habit of sniffing. Haha.

Grr, I've never had this too limited words to say. I have a lot in my mind. And i feel like i still have to dredge it up. I can't gouge the distance from the surface to the core of what I should be talking about. My thoughts are spinning in a chaos. Argh, it's too upsetting. Now, I'm complaining once again.

*Change topic

"There's just something bothering me."
"What is it? I don't mind if you don't wanna tell me.Is it something that I should be bothered about, too?"
"No. Di ko muna sasabihin sayo, saka na lang."

Stab. Silence.
I remember I've asked a similar question and got the same exact answer twice in my life. For me, it's an indication that I'm about to lose something again. I don't have to know. I already know what it is. The reason might slightly change, but the whole scene would be nothing but a replay. Unless... I act up on it immediately and cut the events that I didn't want and replace it with an exciting twist to add an oomph factor and fork over a happy ending. But can I do that? It's so hard to choose between doing and not doing.

Happiness is broken into definite number of irregular pieces.

I guess I'd just have to choose the preponderant piece and content myself with it. Should this one disintegrate in time, I might change my mind and wish that I could still find the other pieces I've left.

you tell me what's up

2005-09-01T12:43:00.000+08:00

i feel so...awful!!! whatever that's happening to me today is utterly unacceptable. I'm transmorgifying(huh?i know there's such a word) into a murderous creature. I could strain these eyes any minute.

To encapsulate the feeling that's eating me up...this should do it. Anyone who knows this song, will you sing it for me...please?

Fix You- Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I Tears stream down your face I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is fair when nothing's right? How will you know what's fair, when you don't know what's right? Do you know what I'm getting at?

I'm a convoluted piece of a schmuck.

gala-mode

2005-08-30T10:59:00.000+08:00

"you've got to get better, said, it's all in your head, we could live through these letters or forget it altogether, see the months they dont matter its the days i can't take when the hours move to minutes and i'm seconds away, just ask the question come untie the knot say you won't care, say you won't care, retrace the steps, as if we forgot, say you won't care, say you won't care, you try to avoid it, but there's not a doubt and there's one thing i can do nothing about..."

i love taking back sunday's new american classic.can't put it off in my head...it keeps playing...i keep it playing.i've had their 2004 album since last year and i just found the time to crank up the volume and pay attention to every line of every song...wow,it's so brutally pathetic, stoic and magnetic to my own flipped out self.:D

my Kuya asked me what's on the movies, i couldn't answer because I don't know anything about what's coming up or now showing. See? I'm outdated.hehe...I suddenly realized I've ceased being a movie/gimmick freak all week and since the last.

I've already started drinking milk every morning. Wow, I can now tolerate LACTOSE!haha...well, di na ako umaasang tumangkad pa, but I need calcuim!:D Wala lang...just wanna share it with you.:D

Argh! I wanna see a movie! Tara?!

rush it!

2005-08-17T19:52:00.000+08:00

okay,i gotta make this quick.

what a day...i tagged along with ramil this morning to the company where he wanted to apply and guess what?I ended up applying as well. Nyax. Took an exam, passed it. Had an interview, stormed out. It was hella hot day and what was I doing wearing 3/4 polo? Haha. Lolo Ramil just informed me yesterday about it and begged for me to come with him. "Apply ka na rin!" So there, that's about it. Everything turned out okay. But I don't know if I'd ever get my ass back to that creepy place. Geez! I can't possibly live in silence! The building was unbelievably empty, screaming soundless, suffocating. Wehehe... All those rooms must be sound proof. I could only hear myself gulping saliva (eww!) at the hallway (if you call that a hallway!God!). The way I decribed it, you might think that it's not really much of a place. But hey, it has four floors, lots of doors, cozy sofas, graphic-designed wallpaper (or laser paint spray?!what?) and dead people (whoa). I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw dead people there. Haha....

Life...

you take it or leave it.

endless dreaming

2005-08-16T18:58:00.000+08:00

God, snap out of it! you're staring into space again, dimwit.

I'm ironing out my plans, it's still a bit crumpled, ya know. Geez, I can't do it right now. I can't! I just said it! My...

I'm getting there...

where?

almost there...

hey, do you even know where you're headed?

damn, beats me.

I know where I should be. I know where I should throw and glue myself in. I'll start from here. I'm working on it now. No one would get in my way....but, myself. Ahhh! I am my worst enemy. I don't know how to get this piece of shit out of me. What am i doing strapping myself with steel bars? Can you imagine that? Haha. (this is not a laughing matter). In a way, every single thing becomes phantasmagorical to my eyes...and for a moment, I never have to think about what would happen next...and I just wanna stay where I am. But yeah, the yanking of the devil never stops and slapping me hard with reality.

Close your eyes.

Your mind might take you there.

to regain the things that you've lost.

to have the the grit to escape...

to blast off without wanting to fall back.

want another shot?

2005-08-15T19:39:00.000+08:00

let me tell you one thing: you must have noticed that i've been going out once or twice a week again, but that doesn't mean that i'm back to that old kids-stuff habit. Nagkakataon lang. Oh, well...there's another one coming up this week (on the 20th). Geez, I wish I could invite you guys but it's gonna be my brother's b-day celebration. Boo-hoo. Wait for my turn, but I don't think you drink(alcohol), do you? I need drinking/laughing/simply crazy buddies. Haha. Anyway, i'm not sure if I have told you that I don't like hanging out with my boyfriend's friends and their girlfriends. but i'm sure i've told you that I don't like people. new people. no, not all. but, most new people. hmm,not really..but yeah, i guess, i don't like meeting newbies for now. I'm gonna ostracized myself for now. Okay, i hope i'm making that clear. But well, HIS friends have always wanted me to go everytime they would have their weekly inuman (i really don't dig it). So when the girlfriend of my boyfriend's friend invited me to her b-day party, i didn't say a thing (gosh, here we go again. i'm gonna be tangled up with unintentional/uncalled-for "friendships"). But Vj answered for me (btw, he said yes, I'd come). Though I've tried to discourage him, he only felt bad about it. He was thinking again that i don't like his barkada (no,it's not that...but i don't like the "nosy girlfriends of his friends" and you know that i'm not very comfortable with this kind female specie.it's like i'm gonna have to sniff their "real" smell out of them.i mean, these "girlfriends". di mo kasi alam kung pinaplastik ka lang e.) So, i went and meshed with them. Fine. Everything was casual. Drink. Small talk. Dance. Bob my head. Smile. Laugh. Answer a question after another. The "girlfriend" was nice. I don't have anything against her. She was the chirpy and slaphappy type. Typical girly girly. Ok, she's nice allright. Give her a break. Hehe. I've met his friends before, except this one. But they're all nice to me. Really. Nice. That's all I ever said. Freak.

I had laughing trip with two of his guyfriends though. It was a genuine and hearty laughter. I didn't fake it. I didn't have to. And I'm not a poser for crying out loud! I'm more at ease with guys. I feel like i'm one of them. Sometimes I wish I was a handsome buck. I think things are easier when you'ra a guy...or maybe not. But i like their lifestyle. Bwahhaha. What's the matter with me? Argh. All of a sudden, I wanna be a guy! physically and emotionally! weeehh... i wish.=p but most people envy my "emotional shell"....they say it's hard to crack. Nah, it's not. Believe me. I'm as sensitive as a feather easily taken by the wind's mildest blow. Pssh, shut the hell up Sarj!

whoa...i gotta go! buhbye.

sweet reverie

2005-08-12T16:18:00.000+08:00

Wednesday night was exceptional. Whoa. Vj and I celebrated our 15th month together watching movies, eating, playing arcades and bowling and gulping a bucket of ice cold beer at Timog (beer tastes bad right? but the beer at OFF THE GRILL was hella yucky!LUMA!). I had two and he had 3 and a half. Luckily, I was with him or else I would've gone cuckoo and slammed the bottles against the post beside me. I mean, I shouldn't go mad when I'm celebrating a special occasion, that is. Or everything would be squelched. I'm a muddafucking(oops, sowee) squelcher. Oh anyway, all those things sound somewhat ordinary but we did it all in a day. No, make that more or less 8 hours. And it was really fun and my happiness was skyrocketing to the stars. Although I couldn't eat much because of my still-fragile tooth, I happened to polish off my plate (with 1 and a half cups of rice and an extra large fries to fill) in a snap. Takaw! He exclaimed. At one time, he even said: "Ikaw lang talaga ang kilala kong babae na ganyan katakaw" or sometimes he would kid me, "Oh kain tayo dun sa medyo mura dahil alam ko na ang katakawan mo".haha.Well, he adores my appetite and that also makes him feel even more comfortable wolfing down with me. Kasi 'di siya nahihiya sa katakawan nya. Hehe. I have gastric dilation (don't gain weight no matter how much I eat) and in his case, he's just plain greedy-gut. I won't wonder where he's got his bulge.Haha. And I still love him for that!=) Nyek...corny noh? Sus, kayo talaga...minsan ko lang gawin 'to.Haha.

I know moments like this are spasmodical, so I am carving it in my head for good measure. =)

Ulan pa!Sarap...

vacuity of memory

2005-08-06T12:41:00.000+08:00

COLLIDE-DISHWALLA

When I came here there was more.
Now I've come back to destroy,
And I've got nothing left,
And it's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love,
And it's a place I can not go,
Anymore.

(Ch)
When we collide we lose ourselves.
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and
we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake.
When we collide,
We break.

When the cold comes crashing down,
And the fight lost what it's about.
I could tell that you'd left.
It's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love.
It's a place I can not go,
Anymore.

(repeat chorus twice)

I could guess what will hurt next and i'll be totally sick in the head by then.

"Collector ka ba ng sakit?" was what Hana texted me last night (I miss her). I think so. I don't know, it's not even my choice and I don't think I have the right to protest to God. Things happen. It happens just like that.

Maybe I could agree with my parents suggestion to crack my gums open and pull it out through..what else?operation! (tama ka Alex!huhu). But oh-no...I won't give up. I've been pretty hard on myself lately and I know I can stand the pain. What's another day, or week? Like any other person or thing in my life, I won't give up this fucking tooth even when it's hurting me like heaven only knows. Or maybe I would. But until i'd surrender, I'd let this useless wisdom tooth grow to prove its worth. Someday I'd thank it for the sleepless nights and the toss and turn moments...=)

"How much will you know about yourself if you haven't been into a fight?" - Fight Club (join me!)

you'll see that everything is all right

2005-07-31T19:38:00.000+08:00

in every beginning of a new day...a new indelible pain is born. literally.
it started last wednesday.

i had my heart check-up (again) because of my incessant chest pains. it's hitting me right through, it's my heart kicking like crazy...or so I thought. The doctor declared it wasn't a heart problem/complication. After seeing the results of my tests, he said it is just mere COSTOCHONDRITIS. what the hell is that? I asked him. well, to wit -

*Costochondritis is a syndrome of chest wall pain that is due to inflammation of the cartilage and bones in the chest wall, most commonly the second or third ribs. The pain that results is often intensified by movements that change the position of the ribs, such as lying down, bending over, coughing or sneezing. Pain may mimic that of coronary artery disease. The pain, which may be quite intense, is commonly aggravated by exercise and activity, erroneously suggesting that it may be coming from the heart.

okay, so i guess that will put my Mom in peace, for now. Since she never gives up on the thought that it might be my heart. Paranoid Mom...she gets overly stressed everytime i'd feel something like this or that nowadays. Ayaw nya daw na ako masunod ma-hospital. I understand, thanks Mom.:) By the way, the doctor gave me a prescription with my favorite drug (err, pain killer) on it!whoopee!It's a prescription drug, alright. Morbic (formulated with morphine?!whoa.) and Tramadol(you'll forget who you are,really). I don't like the injectables. Takot ako. Hehe. Tabs lang noh. But Dad, the antagonist, won't let me have any (at first)...but then, as the second series of pain shock attack arises from my (pressumably/suspected) bladder...

wait...i'll tell you about it tomorrow. I gotta go! gotta watch Stonefree!!!!!darn, darn!
FYI: I'm having abdominal punches at this moment and my wisdom tooth is jutting out and cracking my nerves!!!!argh!....gotta hurry now!bye!

(edited)
Part 2 with continuation:

....my Dad freaked out and I sent him running to get some of th0se tiny pills that i love. And Boy did it last longgg! It lasted for about a whole day. Ugh, all the while I was thinking it would all soon be over.

last friday:

I went to Sm North,scouring for the malls for something. I got there and got totally astounded by the crowd , a sea of faces and mixture of stench odor from people! Nope, di po nila ako pingakaguluhan...they're there for the MALLWIDE SALE! I didn't know that. I hate people. I hate shopping. But then, I ended up buying stuff for myself. I was about to feel really good about the cheap top I've purchased from Forever 21 for half of the original price, until I felt a twitch of pain in my tummy...and it wouldn't stop. Well, i was planning to knock myself down 'til night snaking my way through the crowd by myself...but I've been compelled to take the first taxi cab i see and jump inside. Argh! I had to get home quick before I die! Apparently, it was somekind of...you know....Bwahaha!

last saturday:

before i dragged myself to my quasi-school, i was really feeling dizzy and all...my tummy again, started to hurt intensely. i wanted to lie there and just wait for it to pass. but i can't miss a single lesson. i'll lose all sense of worth. wahaha... so i decided to go, besides...i was starting to feel better at that time. as soon as i ate my dinner with vj at 7pm, it acted up again. Grrr.I didn't wanna spoil the night, so I told him that i would just rest and we'd dart our way to Metrowalk. I was still in pain when we got there, but it eventually dwindled away. I was feeling okay until I got home. 4I wasn't able to doze off.Painkillers won't work. I thought,God, i wish i know how to stick that novain into my veins! But yeah, i'm scared to get killed.
By the way, there's a picture of me with him...hehe. I was getting all kulit and i wouldn't wanna kiss him in the lips.Bwahaha. So, he settled for the next best thing.:P CHEEKS! aww...

inquietude

2005-07-27T18:41:00.000+08:00

for the time being...there's a chill of sudden realization of utter helplessness running up and down my spine. i am tired. one hundred and one percent on the money.

oh my...i feel paralyzed. thoughts now running to either side of my head and pulling it apart. i can't conjure up one bit of a soothing image (the best beaches in the world or my fairy tale coming to life) to calm my emotionally-tensed-up muscles. that sounds redundant, but who cares?

am i living a perfectly normal life?

maybe. i would like to think that i am. but i can't really say. after scavenging every sliver of broken memories and summoning the buzzing life i once had, everything messed up once again. And i'm back to where I never wanna return to. Never imagined this double espresso's palatableness could be much worse. I forged on to drinking up this bitterness despite the fact that I really don't gulp any of this kind (caffeine). I wouldn't have minded anything, until I remembered how it should taste.

I spit on my snow white tank top. I won't have time to wash it out at once. Now it will leave a dull yellowish stain for sure.

all in a box

2005-07-23T17:37:00.000+08:00

you will never really understand because some things are never meant to be understood.

argh....so, i just found out that my yesterday's blog entry had been screwed by that damn internet connection!after spending about an hour trying to tie up all those butterfly thoughts circling in my head?!and i can't understand why this life is always playing its stupid tricks on me.it must be meant to be.yeah right.=) i won't repeat any of whatever i've said in that entry. after all, it's all emotional outburst. but still, it's long enough to get anyone bored and disinterested at first blush...and i felt like i've exhausted every drop of my remaining punch. hayy...naransan ko na ring magsulat sa hangin at sumigaw sa langit na parang walang nakikinig. yes, this is the feeling. maybe God is trying to tell me: "I don't want you to have anything to make you remember. Put down your grudge." I know I don't need to blow it open to all you poor guys reading this bull.

Nothing but chastised and maligned.

salt and pepper shaker

2005-07-19T17:33:00.000+08:00

How bad and good does it need to get?

How many loses, how much regret?

What chain reaction, what cause and effect

Makes you turn around,

Makes you forgive and forget,

makes you change...makes you change...

-Tracy Chapman(Change)

It would have been nicer if I know the complete lyrics, but I don't. Don't worry, next time. Every line makes the song really special to me (you in wonderment).Hay...I just don't wanna be corrected if ever i wrote down the faulty and innacurate lyrics. Hehe.

Oh well, my favorite and most kosher nephew - my Chikabang(he invented this one), just bailed out from the hospital an hour ago and is now rollicking with us once again. He couldn't take the hospital miasma anymore and wanted to go to the mall already. Mana sa pagkagala ko! Thankfully, he's back to furor and normalcy. SuperMarma(that's me.he made this up,too!) is happy again!hehe...

-33-

Name-Goo Goo Dolls

And even though the moment passed me by

I still can't turn away

Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose

Got tossed along the way

And letters that you never meant to send

Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans

That never knew their names

We don't belong to no one

That's a shame

But if you could hide beside me

Maybe for a while

And I won't tell no one your name

And I won't tell em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose

The past is never far

Did you lose yourself somewhere out there

Did you get to be a star

And don't it make you sad to know that life

Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast

And now there's nothing to believe

And reruns all become our history

A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio

And I won't tell no one your name

And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time

But I don't need the same

If it's lonely where you are come back down

And I won't tell em your name

Ugh...I ssssoooo love that song! oh, sweet reveries...

What does it mean when you dream that half of you wants to run away and half of you wants to stay? And....you can't choose. You can't decide. You tell yourself, this couldn't be any worse.

i dream that i am picking up a car key which belongs to your mom and I feel the urge to run after her and toss it her way. then, as soon as i drop the key into her palm, she stops me as if telling me that I have to wait a little while...for you. I want to scram real bad for fear that you might see me, not for fear that i might catch a glimpse of you. I am your eyesore and I want to stay away from your sight because that's what I'm told - that's what I know I have to do - although I really wish to be be visible all the time. As I am about to step outside, you come in with a few new faces. I sink back to my seat, wanting to die. Try to cover my face with a newspaper i hold up in front of me. You sit just right behind me. You tap my left shoulder and say... "Ikaw ha...andyan ka pala. Di mo lang ako pinansin."

Then I woke up feeling confounded and perplexed....

if faced with that kind of situation in reality, was that what i should really do?

Ang pansinin ka kung ayaw mo naman? Di bale, alam mong di kita de-deadmahin. Promise. :)

at long last..ressurected!

2005-07-17T17:40:00.000+08:00

This is actually the sequel of my "cancelled gimmick" story.Here goes...

That friday night, I texted a friend I've known since my freshman year in college just to ask how she has been doing. Then she immediately replied, "Wow...timing ka talaga lagi." She's heartbroken and wanted to spill the bucket of tears on me. So, I told her, Let's go out tomorrow and tell me everything about it! So everything was set. Except my two other super-guy-friends (they don't know each other), wanted to know if I'm booked for the weekend. Matagal ko na ring di nakikita yung dalwang yun....so I agreed to meet up with them later saturday night. Si Jen na muna, para masabi niya na sa akin ang mga dapat sabihin.

I never had a permanent circle of friends since time immemorial. I never got stuck in a hierarchical group (e.g. mean girls) and tried to be someone else just to fit in. NO! That's why i hardly invite any kind of heated arguement with anyone. Napapakisamahan at pinapakisamahan ko sila lahat. But that doesn't mean na nagpapakaplastik ako. I'm just lucky and glad that they love me for who I am. So yun nga, hiwahiwalay friends ko at di magkakakilala...they are the petals around the rose (ako yun!). I'm the one who keeps them together and from falling...meaning?!Bwahaha. And I never tried experimenting on mixing my friends for fear that they may not get along well. Hay...buti na lang, nagkakasundo sila. Kahit ang lakas mangasar ng isa dun.

So anyway, I and Jen were at Mcdo, East Ave. (near our place) when Bonjing and Baby Bro started emerging from nowhere. Initially, I was thinking to take them along with my brothers and the rest of their barkada, but on second thoughts - that wouldn't be favorable for all (especially for me, because my attention would be totally divided and I would want to spend enough time with them). We wind up gulping down san mig light macho mugs at Quatro in Timog. It was helluva night. It wasn't a mistake. Hay...old friends are always the best.

Neologisms of a F-R-E-A-K...

Gimme a Stress-Buster!!!

UP LATE ISSUE

The need to relax

NEW HOME

Five Things You Don't Know About Me

Make some noise

The Bloggorhea Symptoms

Sun rising...

Rhythmic taps on the surface of the earth

Warning: this may sound unusually funny

Food = Evil

Check me out

when you can't get your mind off something,

Giddi-bee-bop-du-wap (nan michut su)

PRESS RELEASE 07

of physical idleness and mental hyperactivity

dive into the pool of erratic emotional dilemma

The Kulam Victim

Not your typical sort of bullocks

Chunk off the bad part

It's holiday just 'cause...

Just one call

Beat it!

constant complain

GY Chronicles

Smiles that you can't fake

reminiscing

Quick Fix

hmmm...i still look best!

get the shots!

lazing around

My Eiffel Tower!

The only thing missing is an ice cream

What's real?

I am the rule

Homebound

NEWSFLASH

Party people know how to party

hmm.. :)

stabbed

Skip the bad days

goofing around

How apt

Just kill me

THE ULTIMATE SHOCKER

nothing to feel but...

smells like heaven

quote

do i really need an answer?

*sighs and heavier sighs*

Happy happy joy joy!hehe

rock copy

Into deep shit

Pick a single card and...

=()

the night is now just a lingering memory

totally floored

grrr.....

nearing the crossroads....

where's my luck?

Say what?

-the habit-

BUZZ!

after loading up with pasta pesto,calamares,iced tea,beer and the endless schmoose...

i've been hit

so sick of love songs talaga!

pre-dukot snaps

dinner time

s2

lightning strikes me down again

waking half-dead

spit on the face

it's one of those bittersweet days

...emit htn eht rof gnisol

words are not enough

cul-de-sac

gliding like a paper plane

huddle please

be careful what you wish for...

sighs and heavier sighs